I said it. I did.
I proclaimed on Tuesday that if Scott made it through another week, I would stop watching American Idol.
I said it because surely, that stubby fingered, pencil mustache wearing, no talent, GIRLFRIEND BEATER would be sent home!
Who is voting for this dude?
Now, I totally bashed Constantine but I loved that guy. He was creepy but oh so much fun to talk about!
I loved making fun of his smoldering stares and lip-purses directed at the world. Where were those pre-teen Constantine lovers last night? Did their parents ground them from their phones?
I am SO going to miss Constantine.
Oh, that's right...I'm not just going to miss him, I'm going to miss American Idol. I already said I was going to stop watching it.
Right.
I rarely blog about American Idol but don't take that to mean I am not totally obsessed with it.
I've been watching it since it's inception and now I've hooked my entire family.
We have family night at my sister's house to eat Coney Islands and watch American Idol. I have christianed it, Coney Idol.
Tuesdays are Coney Idol.
I've disliked Scott with a passion riveled only by Hitlers hatred of the Jews (line shamelessly stolen from a former blogger who is no longer around to be linked) since he joined the top 12.
Scott is so affected with his hand gestures and head movements when he sings. Plus he's just icky.
Let's move on to the others, shall we?
I loved Nadia. She chose bad songs towards the end but I always thought she had great stage presence, a great look and an awesome voice.
I was sad to see her go.
Could I LOVE Bo more? I don't think so. Bo is awesome. He is simply unaffected and REAL. Love love love that. Plus he's a rocker and I have a thing for long-haired rockers.
Carrie will probably win if Constantine doesn't sabotage things. Carrie has the whole package: great voice, cute as a button, the ability to choose the right song, etc...
Anthony Fedorov. He sounds like a tennis player or better yet, a chess champion.
He's got a sweet syrupy voice that really young girls and really old women will love. He's just ok.
I think Vonzelle has an amazing voice. She gets better sounding and better looking every week. There is just something about her personality that isn't getting across to the audience and that will probably cause her not to win.
And now I've saved the creepiest for the last.....Constantine.
Constantine is a camera-whoring, David Cassidy-wannabe.
He has planned his stage persona down to the last hair toss and lip purse.
He lowers his chin and looks at you through his lashes as if he will hypnotize you with his smoldering gaze.
He makes love to the camera and expects hormone-driven teenage girls to swoon at his glance.
He wears EYE LINER as if it's a tool in his weaponry of adolescent destruction.
I am afraid that the screaming teenies will cause Constantine to bump Carrie from the top spot.
If I had my druthers, I'd want Bo to win. He's more real the the rest of them but Carrie appeals to a wider audience.
My pick is Carrie unless Constantine manages to hypnotize the entire world with his wicked "rock n roll fantasy stare" in the next 5 weeks.
I said this last week but didn't really mean it but this week it's different.
If that fat, African-American wannabe mother fucker, Scott Savol makes it through to next week, I'm never watching that atrocity American Idol again!!
How is it that an untalented, unpretty, uninteresting, uncouth, GIRLFRIEND BEATER can get down to the bottom 6? Answer me, will you?????
Also, is Constantine creeping anyone out yet? I thought eyeliner went out with Robert Smith and The Cure.
Ok, so I was asked to explain all the weird stuff that went on in the comments on my lovely post about Anna's return to Primal Purge.
Without giving too much personal information away that isn't mine to give, I'll give you the Reader's Digest condensed version:
Lon (a nickname of course) is my best friend of hmm....25 years? (Christ on a cracker! I'm not even 25 years old! How did that happen?) Anyway...
She's been married for about 200 years and suddenly last summer, some psycho chick decides she wants Lon's husband.
In some roundabout way, this psycho chick stumbled upon MY blog and hoping she could find some useful information to use against Lon, she scoured my blog for HOURS a day from her place of employment.
I realized this when I noticed several hits coming from this particular place. I knew it was odd because at that time, no one that close in physical proximity knew about my blog. I tried to keep this secret from people close to me.
After some investigation, I realized who this person was and why they felt the need to go over my blog with a fine-toothed comb.
Lon's husband has told Psycho Chick (PC) he doesn't want anything to do with her and he and Lon have even laughed about how pathetic this psycho is.
She's been to various public libraries in the area, using their computers to check my blog.
Either she is obsessed or she really loves my writing!
So, the other day, PC decides she wants to comment on my blog pretending to be Lon.
I'll quote her comment:
This is part of my healing process. My therapist said I must explore all my feelings including guilt and denial in order to make my life better.I have something to confess to the most awesome and wonderful person I know. First of all let me just tell you. I love you De. You have been absolutely wonderful to me. Your sencerity and sheer kindness leaves me in awe.Please, forgive me for what I am about to confess to you.I slept with someone very near and dear to your heart.I don't know why, It just happened. It was crazy emotional moments, that only occured a few times. You know how sensitive I am. I never inteneded to hurt anyone,none of the times were planned.I know my marriage isn't perfect but, I want to put these minor incidents behind me. So, I can be a better best friend to you. I know you have always been envious of my relationship with my husband and family.I have seen how you look at him.I'm begging you now,not to let these things come between us. Let's put the past in the past, and love each other for who we are.
As soon as I read this, I knew it wasn't my best friend. Even if she HAD slept with someone near and dear to me, I know she wouldn't pour her heart out on a public blog!
The fact that she mentioned I was envious of her relationship with her husband was laughable too. Her husband and I have a comical love/hate relationship: He loves to irritate me and I hate it!
Also, the comment came from a computer at a public library several miles from here and when I called the REAL Lon to tell her about this just a few minutes after the comment was left, she was at home, taking care of her beautiful children.
Unless she can twitch her nose and disappear and reappear in mere seconds, it wasn't MY Lon.
However, not everything she said in the comment was a lie. The part about me being awesome and wonderful and sincere and kind is totally true!
We laughed our asses off at PC's obvious stupidity. It's almost sad really....almost.
So, the REAL Lon left a few comments after PC's fake Lon comment, poking some fun. We made up Steve and the herp and the limes - the hermit crab is real.
We had to have a little fun with PC. It's hard to get angry at the mentally retarded.
Oh and just to be on the safe side, I called all my ex-boyfriends from the last 25 years and none of them admitted to sleeping with the REAL Lon, so you're in the clear, girl!
along with Anna.
Hot damn! I might just try to shake this shitty mood I'm in, now that I know Anna's back at Primal Purge.
We hardly knew ye....
I guess I killed Waldo. For nearly a year he lived in health and peace. Then suddenly I started buying new stuff; a larger cage, new accessories and worse yet...a new crab.
I got to work this morning and Waldo was out of his shell as he had been for a few days and lying lifeless in his pool.
So, what do you do with a dead hermit crab? Flush him? Bury him? Cremate him? Throw him in the trash?
Flushing could cause the toilet to back up. It's not a good thing when the corpse keeps returning.
It probably wouldn't take much to bury him; a spoon and a ziploc bag.
Cremating is not a good option, either. Everyone might think we're having a fish fry in the back room.
I think I might just wrap him up in some paper towels and give him a proper burial in the kitchen trash. The cleaning lady will take care of him tomorrow.
These crabs are crazy!
So this morning I get in and all my coworkers are crowded around the little crab cage staring at Waldo, naked, pacing back and forth.
Why is he naked? Why is he not in his NEW shell?
I don't know. I thought these fuckers were smart but now I'm not so sure.
The big one, Sneetch, moved out of his old large shell and into a new smaller shell that I bought for Waldo over the weekend, thinking Sneetch would never leave the other shell I got for Waldo. Now, he's in another shell that is TOO small for him.
So, there is Waldo, nervous because he's naked, marching up and down the length of the cage. Have you ever seen a hermit crab without his shell? It ain't pretty, folks. They have a weird curly tail that kind of freaks me out when I look at it.
He's now moved into his original shell that is too small for him also.
So, that's it in a nutshell hermit crab shell.
This is a crucial hermit crab update.
I reported yesterday that the little guy moved into the HUGE shell that the big guy abandoned weeks ago.
I also reported that the shell was entirely too big for the little crab.
Well, this morning, I discovered that plans were being made yesterday and they were carried out during the night.
The crabs switched shells! They each left their ill-fitting shells and moved back into their correct shells.
Hermit crabs are pretty damn interesting!!
Stay tuned while I get a 10 gallon tank set up for them. The fun will probably never end!
Because I know you're dying to hear about it....I have a hermit crab update.
I came back to work to find the little guy had moved into the big guy's old HUGE shell.
The shell is clearly too big and I don't even think he can haul it around. I think he's got a Napolean complex. He has no clue he's tiny.
I got him a new smaller shell over the weekend but forgot to bring it to work.
I'll bring it tomorrow and we'll see if he likes it better.
Try to keep your excitement contained until then.
Oh it's LOW.
It doesn't get much lower.
I'm talking about my mood. My state of mind. Everything.
The weekend was ok, but I could feel I was building up to something bad. See, yesterday was my nephew's birthday. He would have been 24.
On Monday, I couldn't even get out of bed to go to work. I laid in bed and cried until 1pm when my sister called and asked me to come over.
Tuesday was even worse. It was his birthday but then after two months of my sister saying how I saved her life and how she feels like I am part of her inner circle, I caught her lying to me.
She thought she was trying to spare my feelings but the lies hurt a lot more than the truth.
There is a HUGE gulf between us now that might never be bridged.
I have a habit of pushing people away to avoid being hurt. I especially do it to family because no one can hurt you quite as bad as a family member.
Now, I feel like doing that to everyone in my life.
Today was the first day back at work and I am just not into it.
To make matters worse, apparently, a good friend is either mad at me or taking a bad ass mood out on me.
I am SO feeling sorry for myself right now. I admit it. I'm wallowing in self pity. I'm not ashamed.
If I wasn't at work, I'd be a big crying heap of crap.
Maybe, I should distract myself by talking about current events.
Let's see....
so yeah, the Pope died.
Prince Ranier died.
Britney Spears is pregnant.
I missed American Idol last night but I still hope that girlfriend beater Scott gets sent home tonight.
Killing cats is STILL illegal in Wisconsin.
Oh good. It's also STILL illegal to kill and eat a friend at his request.
Somehow, I just don't feel any better.
Have you ever?
Things in bold I have done.
snuck out of the house
gotten lost in your city
saw a shooting star
been to any other countries besides the United States
had a serious surgery
gone out in public in your pajamas
kissed a stranger
hugged a stranger
been in a fist fight
been arrested
done drugs
had alcohol
laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
pushed all the buttons on an elevator
made out in an elevator
slept in an elevator
swore at your parents
kicked a guy where it hurts
been in love
been close to love
been to a casino
been skydiving
broken a bone
been high
skinny-dipped
skipped school
flashed someone
saw a therapist
done the splits
played spin the bottle
gotten stitches
had an IV
drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
bitten someone
been to Niagara Falls
gotten the chicken pox
kissed a member of the opposite sex
kissed a member of the same sex
crashed into a friend's car
been to Japan
ridden in a taxi
been dumped
shoplifted
been fired
had a crush on someone of the same sex
had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
stole something from your job
gone on a blind date
lied to a friend
had a crush on a teacher
celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans
been to Europe
slept with a co-worker
been married
gotten divorced
had children
saw someone die
been to Africa
driven over 400 miles in one day
been to Canada
been to Mexico
been on a plane
seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
thrown up in a bar
purposely set a part of yourself on fire
eaten sushi
been snowboarding
met someone in person from the internet
been moshing at a rock show
cut yourself on purpose
been to a motor cross show
lost a child
gone to college
graduated from college
done hard drugs
taken painkillers
love someone or miss someone right now
So, I have been needing to replace my living room couch for quite some time now but it's hard to find a couch that isn't avocado green or harvest gold or some mutation of a flower print that's in my price range.
I'd totally go for a gently used couch but who sells a pretty couch that's clean and in good shape?
But I just can't stand the old couch anymore. It wasn't a high quality piece of furniture when I purchased it and it's barely furniture now.
The dogs have abused it. I have abused it. The springs have sprung and the pillows won't fluff. It's a mess! Slipcovers won't even help this atrocity.
I think I have decided to call my nephew over to help me move this thing downstairs to the dumpster, buy a few large floor pillows and start kicking it Moroccan style.
Oh sure, I can't have more than two visitors over anymore. There will be no snuggling on the couch if I choose to snuggle with anyone over 40 and arthritic.
Yes, I will seem like a 30-something penniless college student so I might as well pick up some of those plastic stackable crates to use as book shelves and bong holders.
But! I will have that pathetic excuse of a couch out of my life.
Anyone have a decent couch for sale?
is a pet at work.
We have two hermit crabs here at work.
We got one nearly a year ago and somehow I became the only one taking care of him.
When I was out for 10 days recently, the suckers I work with forgot to feed and water him.
When I returned, he was lifeless. I had just lost my nephew and when I asked if anyone had taken care of him while I was gone, they all became frightened that I would have a meltdown.
If I hadn't been concerned about the hermit crab, I would have found this situation humorous.
These people who didn't give a shit about him while I was gone were suddenly offering to donate their organs to save him.
He wasn't dying, however, he was molting.
Apparently, I didn't read the directions well because I was unaware that crabs molted.
When I saw his exoskeleton laying next to what I thought was an empty shell, I nearly flipped until I looked inside the shell and saw new pink little pinchers.
Now, I was emotionally invested in this freaking crab. I decided he needed a friend so I went shopping for another hermit crab. This time I got a HUGE guy in a big pink shell.
I had also read that when hermit crabs molt, they usually grow bigger and will possibly need a bigger shell. So I bought our little guy a new, larger shell.
I introduced the big guy to the little guy and they became acquainted by totally ignoring each other for days.
I then put in the larger shell for the little guy to move in to.
The next day, big guy had crammed his fat ass into little guys smaller shell.
Now, little guy is stuck in his tiny shell with only the humongous shell as another housing option.
I think big guy is a bully.
Oh by the way, we've named them Waldo (little guy) and Sneetch (big guy).
Who knew hermit crabs were so entertaining?
Stay tuned for more As the Shell Turns.
Not many people have stalkers. I do.
Not many people who have stalkers, have the kind that spend HOURS at work digging through your blog. I do.
Not many females have female stalkers. I do.
Have you seen the movie Single White Female?
I bet my stalker has.
Hey Stalker, you were a busy little beaver for a few hours on Friday. If you really want to look like me, act like me, talk like me, walk like me, give me a call. I'd be happy to help you out!
With love,
Your Stalkee
My friend Jennifer wants me to post on my blog and tell everyone that I'm sick today.
Yes, I'm sick today. I'm nauseated and my stomach hurts.
No, I'm not pregnant. Don't EVEN ask!
I can't believe I'm doing this but I'm SO excited.
Tonight, I'm leaving on a jet plane to Vegas to get married!
My future groom and I met two weeks ago at Barnes and Noble while I was looking at the bargain books and he was drinking a vanilla latte in a chair nearby.
We struck up a conversation, exchanged email addresses and phone numbers and last night, he proposed.
I have always heard of love at first sight but I've never really believed in it. How can you look at someone and just fall in love? Well now I know it's possible!
It was an instant connection and I knew after the first conversation that he was The One.
Today, we're going to fly into Vegas, check into a luxury suite at the Bellagio and then before midnight, we'll be husband and wife!
If this is a dream, I do NOT want to wake up!
APRIL FOOLS!
SUCKERS!