Switching Teams?

As a single, childless woman, married, childfilled women either think I'm a waste of space or they envy my freedom and independence.

Mostly, it's the former.

Helen's post reminded me of this.

I ran into someone I went to school with one day and she proceeded to fill me in on her wonderful life. "I'm married with 4 great kids. How about you?"
This is the part I hate. Do I bow my head in shame and say, "No, no one can stand my company for more than an hour so getting married and actually reproducing is difficult."? Do I joke it off and say "Nope, no one's caught me yet!"?
The latter reply got me by for a few years but the older I get the more ridiculous it all seems.
I don't know why I'm not married yet. I guess I haven't met the man I want to spend the rest of my life with yet. I am fiercely independent and comfortable with my life now so I think that I either intimidate men or just plain turn them off. When I get married, I want to STAY married. I don't want to get divorced and if I have any doubts about someone, I don't think I should marry them.
I didn't think I wanted to go into this while dodging other shoppers in the grocery store so I simply said, "No husband. No kids." without further explanation or shame.
My former classmate cocked her head to the side and said, "Aww. He's out there, honey. Don't you worry."
Oh my God! How condescending!!
I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to knock her down. I wanted to to to...
I don't know, I paused for a moment and then quipped, "I know. That's why I'm in hiding." God, so lame.

When I related this story to my parents, my dad said, "Oh great. Now she thinks you're gay."

Maybe that's okay. Maybe it's better to be gay than be an old spinster.

I Don't Know

I hate abandoning my blog for so long but I simply just don't know what to say.
There are things going on in the world...well...for other people. I feel like the world stopped for me two weeks ago.

I still lie in bed at night and cry and think over and over, "I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it."

So, what do I blog about? How utterly grief-stricken I am? How it breaks my heart to look at my sister, her husband and my younger nephew and know the pain they are feeling? How we can't even begin to comfort one another because we're all in pain? How in our shared pain, we've all become islands, drifting out there alone?

I know enough about grief to know the anger I am starting to feel is normal.
Last night I raged against the fact that this boy wasn't in a gang, he wasn't doing drugs, selling drugs, he wasn't in a bad neighborhood, keeping company with bad people. He was working on a wildlife refuge for God's sake. He was studying whooping cranes. He was huge, strong, fierce in his love for the outdoors. He was so freaking beautiful and perfect.

I was standing in his house on the refuge when they told us they found his body. We had been waiting, searching for 20 hours and when they said, "The Coast Guard has informed us they have recovered a body." My first thought was, "Wow, what are the odds of finding a body while they were looking for him."
It took a nanosecond to realize what they meant. His body. They found HIS body.
I froze. I stood their for God only knows how long while all hell broke loose around me. My sister was screaming, my mother sobbing.
I found myself, suddenly, in another room, crying alone. I could hear my sister, her wails were primitive, almost animal. Do we revert back to our original primitive selves when faced with the worst pain imaginable?

My next thought was for my younger nephew. Where was he? Who was watching over him? He's not a baby anymore, at 15, but I wanted to hold him in that very second. I got up and found him on the porch with his parents and when he saw me, he came and cried in my arms. He's 6'2" but somehow I felt like I was holding my little baby nephew again.
He was such a strong man all night and all day but he knew it was ok, in that moment, to be a little boy.

Now, two weeks later, he's a strong man again; trying to hold it together for his parents. We're all trying to hold it together when all we want to do is fall apart.

So, what do I blog about? I'll blog about what's on my mind and right now, this is it.
It's all I've got.

Peeking In

I'd like to thank Jay for taking the time to explain my long absence.

I don't even know how to describe the pain I'm feeling right now. I don't know how to describe what it's like to see my sister in this kind of pain either.

I worry so much about her and my younger nephew who worshipped the ground his brother walked on.

My nephew was only 23 years old and he was such a bright, beautiful light. After he went off to Texas A&M and then started working at his first job after graduation, we didn't stay in touch as much as we use to, but we always had an unbreakable bond.
The world was just that much brighter because he was in it.
Now, it's dark and I don't know how to go on.

Thanks to those of you who left the kind comments, letting me know we are in your thoughts. I truly appreciate all of your kind words.

I know Jay's a busy guy but maybe he will entertain you a little while I figure out how to start living again.

A Note

My name is Jay and I blog over at Nascent Musings. I am an online friend of De's and just a few days ago she suffered a terrible tragedy.

Her nephew, with whom she was very close, died at a very young 23 years of age. The apparent cause is drowning. De is in mourning and I speak with her about every day. She appreciates everyone who visits the blog and as her friend I am certain that any condolences left here or via e-mail would be appreciated.

Please keep her and her entire family in your thoughts/prayers.

To Tell The Truth

Jimmah over at Snooze Button Dreams does this little thing called Shamming or Sharing and I'm going to steal his idea.
(I probably should have gotten permission from him first...)

What do you think? Truth or lies?

UPDATE: This is true!

When I was 14 I met a guy who was 24. He was gorgeous and a little dangerous, everything a girl wants in a guy.
I lied to him and told him I was 17 almost 18. I was very tall for my age and easily passed for older.
My best friend was dating a friend of his (who wasn't as old) so we were all hanging out at the friend's house when my guy said, "Let's go for a ride." I couldn't wait to be alone with him so I jumped in his little white Mitsubishi truck and we drove down by the beach and then up to San Luis Pass and it was in that little truck that I had my first real kiss.
It was beautiful and romantic, just like I had imagined it to be. We spent a bit of time together in the coming days.

A week later, he calls...from jail.
He wouldn't tell me why he was in jail but he was begging me to wait for him. He wanted me to promise I wouldn't break up with him so he would know he had someone waiting for him on the outside.
I freaked. My parents would freak. Hell, they would officially kill me. I, ashamedly, confessed to him that I was only 14 and there was a long silence followed by a LOT of curse words and then I hung up.

I found out later that he was arrested for stealing a vehicle. The stolen vehicle in question was that same white truck in which I had experienced that one moment a young girl never forgets. Had the police found him on that day I was with him, my moment would have been even MORE memorable.

My Tattoo Means "I Drink Elephant Pee"

This story had me cracking up.

Sakai, an award-winning tattoo artist, was tired of seeing sacred Japanese words, symbols of his heritage, inked on random white people. So he used their blissful ignorance to make an everlasting statement. Any time a customer came to Sakai’s home studio wanting Japanese tattooed on them, he modified it into a profane word or phrase.

I doubt the truth of this actual article but I know this stuff does happen.
I entertained the thought of a similar tattoo for about 2 seconds. I think the Japanese characters are beautiful but I didn't want to be one of those people who thought their tattoo meant "beauty" when it meant "strung out road whore".

I can't look at my tattoos and know exactly what each one means but when I think back to my life at the time I got the tattoo done, I realize what the tattoo represents and that's just as important in my book.

Truth or Dare

Well...just truth.
I found this at Jay's place.

A. First, recommend to me:
1. A movie:
2. A book:
3. A musical artist, song, or album:

B. I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want.

C. Then, I want you to go to your blog, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything they want!

Update: Answers in the extended entry

Jay:
1. I know nothing about aircrafts but AirForce One looks comfy.
2. Milkshake? Chocolate
3. So-crates

J-Snooze:
1. My name is Mr. Tibbs
2. My quest is to blog
3. LOL My favorite color? Guess! ;)

Damn Johnny!!
1. I'd like a small place on the beach in Key West (with a helicopter pad), a villa in Tuscany, a flat in London, a luxury apartment in NYC, a cabin in Washington State and a place on the water in Galveston. I'd like to rotate to all of my homes throughout the year.
2. This is tough.....
I'd like to spend a day with my Granddad who died in 1984 when I was just 11. I only have memories of him as a child with a grandfather not like my sisters who were all adults when he died. I'd like to hear his amazing stories and talk about theories in philosphy, religion and science. My mom said we would have a lot in common if he were still alive.
3. I'm too scared.

Guest Blogging

I've added a guest blogger to this blog. He's a great writer and I thought this could be a lot of fun.
Also, I won't feel so bad about neglecting my blog while I get my computer at home back up and running if he is helping out.

Translation: He's taking the heat off me.

Poetry Reading

Jeez...
I've got to plan a poetry reading for adults for April which is National Poetry Month.

I need some ideas...
Has anyone ever done this before?
Have you been to one you really liked?
C'mon! Give up the info! Tell me what you know!

I Hate People Who Post Song Lyrics...

but this was on my mind today.

Full Of Grace

if all of the strength
and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love