I Don't Know

I hate abandoning my blog for so long but I simply just don't know what to say.
There are things going on in the world...well...for other people. I feel like the world stopped for me two weeks ago.

I still lie in bed at night and cry and think over and over, "I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it."

So, what do I blog about? How utterly grief-stricken I am? How it breaks my heart to look at my sister, her husband and my younger nephew and know the pain they are feeling? How we can't even begin to comfort one another because we're all in pain? How in our shared pain, we've all become islands, drifting out there alone?

I know enough about grief to know the anger I am starting to feel is normal.
Last night I raged against the fact that this boy wasn't in a gang, he wasn't doing drugs, selling drugs, he wasn't in a bad neighborhood, keeping company with bad people. He was working on a wildlife refuge for God's sake. He was studying whooping cranes. He was huge, strong, fierce in his love for the outdoors. He was so freaking beautiful and perfect.

I was standing in his house on the refuge when they told us they found his body. We had been waiting, searching for 20 hours and when they said, "The Coast Guard has informed us they have recovered a body." My first thought was, "Wow, what are the odds of finding a body while they were looking for him."
It took a nanosecond to realize what they meant. His body. They found HIS body.
I froze. I stood their for God only knows how long while all hell broke loose around me. My sister was screaming, my mother sobbing.
I found myself, suddenly, in another room, crying alone. I could hear my sister, her wails were primitive, almost animal. Do we revert back to our original primitive selves when faced with the worst pain imaginable?

My next thought was for my younger nephew. Where was he? Who was watching over him? He's not a baby anymore, at 15, but I wanted to hold him in that very second. I got up and found him on the porch with his parents and when he saw me, he came and cried in my arms. He's 6'2" but somehow I felt like I was holding my little baby nephew again.
He was such a strong man all night and all day but he knew it was ok, in that moment, to be a little boy.

Now, two weeks later, he's a strong man again; trying to hold it together for his parents. We're all trying to hold it together when all we want to do is fall apart.

So, what do I blog about? I'll blog about what's on my mind and right now, this is it.
It's all I've got.

Posted by De at February 21, 2005 02:46 PM