I wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas! I'm probably going to be offline until after the holidays but still checking email so send me some love if you want.
I received a surprise in my mailbox last night.
Jim at Snooze Button Dreams is a peach!
I listened to it last night while I read and it's beautiful! I love it.
Thank you, J-Snooze. I hope you and your family have the merriest of Christmases or the happiest of holidays. Whichever you prefer!
Years from now, Kyle Boller won't care that the game meant nothing. The oft-criticized quarterback will remember that he outplayed Brett Favre. Boller put on a dazzling performance on a national stage and guided the Baltimore Ravens to a 48-3 rout of the Green Bay Packers on Monday night.
OUCH
Screw Tim Burton! I experienced the real nightmare before Christmas. It was at the mall on Saturday!
First off, I used half a tank of gas cruising around the parking lot looking for a spot that didn't require hiking boots and two rest stops to reach the mall entrance.
Once inside, I found holiday cheer runs pretty thin in a crowd of a half million.
People, for the most part, are assholes.
In an over-crowded mall, they let their kids run out in front of people so if you're looking straight ahead, you don't see those knee-high speed bumps until you've tripped over them and broken a hip or something; they walk five across so if you happen to walk faster or need to get around them you're fucked; they make sudden stops in the middle of the mall so you ram your newly purchased Hickory Farms gift box that no one really wants into the back of the idiot who made the sudden stop and THEY turn around and glare at you like it's YOUR fault.
The older I get, the more I hate being cooped up in a small space with lots of people.
I normally love Bath and Body Works but so does everyone else. At one point I decided that I needed to get out of there but with shoppers milling around smelling this and sniffing that and the people filing into the store, I was trapped somewhere between the Murad display and the $42 Lip Plump lipgloss. I moved to the left: blocked. I scurried to the right: blocked. I tucked my purse up under my arm and crouched down like Emmitt Smith and tried to find "The Zone" but it was like a blitz was coming and I was about to be sacked like David Carr.
I started having trouble breathing. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry out, "Dear God, let me through!" but the only thing I could get out of my mouth was ragged breaths.
Finally, I saw an opening and, knocking an old lady into the Sheer Freesia display, I ran out into the open mall. Free at last!
Do you want to know the worst part of this story? I have to go back on Friday to finish the REST of my Christmas shopping.
Pray for me.
I might look like I'm kind of dumb, but I'm pretty smart....most of the time.
I've been asked to write an essay of 1000 words or less on a current elected official who has acted courageously in politics.
I'm completely stymied.
I guess for us conservatives, we could say George W but I think everyone and his dog will choose him.
You intelligent people out there have any ideas?
or weekend, really.
When I tell you what I did this weekend, you're going to think I'm crazy. Well, I kind of think I'm crazy for it but it was fun and I'm not afraid to admit it.
I took Zoe and Crash to a Christmas party for Bichons.
Yes, it was a Christmas party for our dogs.
It was also for a good cause; to raise money for the Bichon Frise Resuce organization.
There were about 30 Bichons and their mommies and/or daddies.
It was great. These dogs were running around smelling butts and peeing on everything.
We had a potluck dinner (for the humans), a gift exchange (for the dogs) and a silent auction.
Like kids, these dogs played and played until they were exhausted and then slept all the way home.
I wish I would have thought to take my camera.
Yes, I'm the crazy dog lady but so what? What the hell did YOU do this weekend?
Or maybe just whine.
I feel like I'm being hammered on from a million different directions lately.
I'm sort of like the referee between my mom and my sisters and my mom takes everything so personally, even when it doesn't have anything to do with her and for some unknown reason, I feel the need to smooth things over all the time.
There is always some misunderstanding or hurt feelings to deal with when it comes to all these women!
Then there are the little things that make up life; people, money, relationships, work, etc.... It's just all happening at once.
Then there is Christmas.....Oh the commercialization of it all! The stress of it all.
What a crock.
I can't believe it's supposed to be this joyous time of year yet most of us are depressed because we don't have enough money to buy decent gifts for all the people on our lists.
Yeah, I know, it's not supposed to be about the gifts....but, please, you know that's bullshit. It's always about the gifts.
I'm not going to lie; I would like to say "Let's not exchange gifts this year. Let's make it about family and togetherness and tis the season and all that crap." But the truth is, I want gifts!
You know you do too!
My nephew is a character. He is fascinated by so many things and has a interest and wonder in life that you don't see in kids much anymore. So many kids are blase and jaded by the time they're teenagers that they aren't any fun to be around.
Michael's different. He's so smart and takes such an interest in so many things.
Lately, his interest has been about alcohol.
No, he's not an alcoholic but he loves to collect bottles. His favorites are unusual liquor or wine bottles. We give him our empty bottles all the time.
One day online, he saw a bottle of absinthe with it's art deco label and it's hypnotizing green glowing liquid. He wants one. Not an empty one but a new, full one.
The trouble is, absinthe is banned in the US and many other countries as well so he can't buy it here.
He's a smart kid and he's been doing some searching on the net and found a website that sells it.
He sent me an email that read:
Hey De wuz up he's 16 so "wuz up" is apparently correct email etiquette
my mom said it was ok to get this for me for xmas
(link omitted)it's a little high 40.84 dollars so i'll pay 15 dollars to get it down to 25
ttul
big mike
Now, besides puncutation, capitalization and grammar, there is something wrong with this email....it's a lie.
I know damn well my sister didn't tell him he could have absinthe for Christmas! Does he think I was born yesterday?
I'd be a horrible aunt to get an illegal substance for my nephew, wouldn't I?
But I hate not giving him what he wants. I have this base need to give Michael anything he asks for....but absinthe?
I checked out the website and shipping to the US is nearly $40. That's over $80 for a half a liter of a foreign, green hallucinogenic.
The other problem besides the other obvious moral issues is that I'm afraid that even though he says he wants it because it's cool looking and he just wants to put it up on his shelf he will want to try a little of it.
Why do I think this? Because *I* want to try a little of it.
Supposedly, this is the shit that made VanGogh go insane, cut off his ear and to be institutionalized.
How could I not want to try it? This stuff sells itself!
Happy Birthday to the boy (now a man, I hope) who took my virginity.
It was embarrassing, confusing and over with in about 4 seconds......hope your day is the same where ever you are.
They say smell and memory are intimately linked. Certain smells are said to trigger memories of events.
While odors do not help people remember more, the memories they evoke are emotionally rich.
A girl here at work sometimes wears Sunflowers by Elizabeth Arden (that's soooo early 90s!) and when I smell it, it reminds me of working in the optometrist's office because both the doctor and I loved the cologne and we unknowingly bought it for each other one Christmas.
I sprayed on Henri Bendel's Wild Fig the other day and immediately, I was taken back to the days after my nephew's body was found and I was deeply depressed all day.
I wore the cologne for several days so I could at least associate something else with that smell, I love that stuff so much.
Sometimes certain smells can be an aphrodisiac. A friend told me the other day that he heard the smell of pumpkin -as in pumpkin bread- turns men on.
He also said vanilla is another smell that gets a man going.
Well, I just happened to have some pumpkin bread on hand so I thought I'd do a scientific experiment.
I cut a piece of the freshly baked pumpkin bread and I rubbed it all over my body, putting a little extra behind my ears and between my breasts.
I then snuggled up to my man....silently giving him the hint that it was time to turn off the TV and turn ME on.
We kissed a little, then he moved down and kissed my neck. He sniffed once or twice, then licked my neck, causing me to giggle. He sniffed harder, then moved to the other side of my neck.
It was working! I was proving that the smell of pumpkin DOES arouse the male libido!
He kissed my neck again and sniffed a few more times. He murmured into my ear, "Oh baby, I'm hungry!"
Caught up in the moment, I answered back breathlessly, "Oh God, I'm hungry for you too."
Suddenly, he pulled away from me, peered into my eyes, longingly and said, "No, I'm STARVING! Is there any of that pumpkin bread left?"
The holidays are difficult. Each family gathering is a glaring reminder of those that are missing.
I dreaded the coming of Thanksgiving. I knew I could fake it but I didn't know if the others could. If they couldn't hold up, I knew I would fall too.
The odd thing was that Thanksgiving was good.
I didn't think about the fact that the last time I saw Rick was at Thanksgiving.
We had a house full of family (mostly dysfunctional) more food than any of us could eat and it was actually fun.
We had several new additions to our family (girlfriends, boyfriends, old friends, new friends, etc).
I have a bit of a problem with one of my sisters' two daughters. One is just weird and the other one is in a 22 yr bad mood.
I'll give you an example of the Bad Mood Niece:
My nephew's girlfriend and I were playing around with my camera phone when BMN said, "Is that an LG?"
Me: Yes
BMN: My boyfriend has that phone
Me: Really? Does he like it?
BMN: No.
Me: Me neither. My mp3s sound like shit. Does he have a problem with that?
BMN: *rolls her eyes* I don't know. We don't sit around talking about his phone.
My jaw dropped and before I could say anything, someone unexpected walked through the door and everyone started oooohing and ahhhhing.
I didn't speak another word to her the rest of the day.
Weird Niece does too much weird stuff to list on one blog.
My oldest sister has a stepson that is destined to become a serial killer. Mark my words, Dear Reader, that kid will be another Ted Bundy. Whew that kid is messed up.
Trashing family aside, it was a good day. We had SO much excellent food.
I made macaroni and cheese from scratch which is hilarious because I hate macaroni and cheese AND I'm lactose intolerant.
It sounded like such an amazing recipe though. It called for parmesan, cheddar, fontina and gruyere plus a bechamel sauce that I made also.
I couldn't tell if it was good or not but everyone else seemed to love it.
I also made my famous greenbeans. I can't divulge my secret recipe but trust me when I say those babies are amazing!
However, Thanksgiving is not about the food (fried turkey, cornbread dressing, pumpkin pie) or about the relatives that piss you off.
It's about two things and two things only....
Dallas Cowboys Football
&
Shopping on Friday.