The Nightmare Before Christmas

Screw Tim Burton! I experienced the real nightmare before Christmas. It was at the mall on Saturday!
First off, I used half a tank of gas cruising around the parking lot looking for a spot that didn't require hiking boots and two rest stops to reach the mall entrance.
Once inside, I found holiday cheer runs pretty thin in a crowd of a half million.
People, for the most part, are assholes.
In an over-crowded mall, they let their kids run out in front of people so if you're looking straight ahead, you don't see those knee-high speed bumps until you've tripped over them and broken a hip or something; they walk five across so if you happen to walk faster or need to get around them you're fucked; they make sudden stops in the middle of the mall so you ram your newly purchased Hickory Farms gift box that no one really wants into the back of the idiot who made the sudden stop and THEY turn around and glare at you like it's YOUR fault.
The older I get, the more I hate being cooped up in a small space with lots of people.
I normally love Bath and Body Works but so does everyone else. At one point I decided that I needed to get out of there but with shoppers milling around smelling this and sniffing that and the people filing into the store, I was trapped somewhere between the Murad display and the $42 Lip Plump lipgloss. I moved to the left: blocked. I scurried to the right: blocked. I tucked my purse up under my arm and crouched down like Emmitt Smith and tried to find "The Zone" but it was like a blitz was coming and I was about to be sacked like David Carr.
I started having trouble breathing. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry out, "Dear God, let me through!" but the only thing I could get out of my mouth was ragged breaths.
Finally, I saw an opening and, knocking an old lady into the Sheer Freesia display, I ran out into the open mall. Free at last!

Do you want to know the worst part of this story? I have to go back on Friday to finish the REST of my Christmas shopping.
Pray for me.