Mark's Got An Idea

My friend Mark is back.

You ever have one of those ideas that you know you
could just make millions off of it if you could just
figure out how to make them work? Like the “No
Hangover” Liquor, or the “Ugly People Turned Pretty”
Pill, or the “Eat It & Lose Weight” Pizza, or the
Speech Converter that makes every conversation that
your girlfriend has with you concerning her feelings,
her parents, her friends, and her inner child, sound
like a rebroadcast of Game Seven of the 1994 NBA
Finals when Vernon Maxwell hit a three in the waning
moments of the game to seal the first ever
championship for Houston (for those of you not from
Houston, I don’t care… we won!)?

It just so happens that I have one of those ideas
right now. If I was smart I would quit my job and
devote my full life to developing this product because
it’s a friggin’ goldmine! I could make a billion
dollars off of this idea if I just knew a little about
math, technology, computer chips, law, and wave
frequencies.

I call it the “Ultimate Cell Phone.” And it will
change the way people interact with each other. It
will change the way you view your life. It will,
literally, bring about a new consciousness to the
World of Cellular… without a doubt.

And, you wanna know why?

Because my phone will come with a feature that no
other phone has. Oh sure, it will still have text
messaging, voice mail, pictures, camera, sounds,
songs, games, and all the rest. The lone difference
will be what is called a DD-Chip. Not V-Chip. DD-Chip.
And, that one difference will make my phone far
superior to every other phone, and make me one of the
richest men on the planet.

A DD-Chip is simply this. You know how in some states
when you get a DUI you have to have a Breathalyzer
installed on your vehicle so that if you ever try to
“drink and drive” again your car won’t start? Yeah,
well, it’s basically the same idea. Under the
mouthpiece of every phone that I make will be what’s
called the “DD-Chip”, or as it’s better known, “The
Drunk Dialie Chip.” And, it will change how people
relate to each other forever.

From now on, when you go out and get wasted somewhere,
and you get home and there’s nothing there but you, a
few scattered empty “to-go” boxes, and some nostalgia…
when you go to make that call, that call you KNOW you
shouldn’t be making, that call that everyone who knows
you would kick your ass if they were there… it
automatically shuts down your phone.

Here’s how it works.

When you dial the number, and press the phone to your
ear, it automatically determines by your breath into
the mouthpiece what your blood/alcohol rate is at that
time. And, if it’s over .08, then it turns off all
power to the phone so that particular call does not go
through. After a 2 minute window, it comes back on;
however, with a few exceptions. ALL numbers are
unavailable for you to dial except these: 911, your
mom, your pastor/priest, your best friend of the same
sex, and your sponsor at AA. That’s it! No other
numbers work. And, if in your drunken state you try to
dial a number that is not on that list, after three
attempts, it deletes the number from it’s memory bank,
and will never allow that number to be placed on that
phone again.

This sound tremendous, I know. I can hear you saying
to yourself, “This man is a genius!” But… wait…
there’s even more! Not only will my phone do all that
for you, it will even go the extra mile.

Let’s say that you’re a strong enough person that you
don’t even have to worry about calling past
relationships when you’re a little tipsy. Maybe you
have your whole life together, you’ve moved on, you’re
pretty much good. Doesn’t mean they are. So, here’s
how far my phones will go to protect, not only you
from you, but you from them.

If you ever get a phone call from an ex… my phone will
examine their speech patterns to determine if it’s
possible that THEY are a little tipsy, and if the
results prove that it’s possible that said person has
consumed alcoholic beverages recently, it will kick
off a sensor that immediately starts playing Bon
Jovi’s “You Give Love A Bad Name” and the plasma
screen on your phone will start flashing the word
“Bullshit!”

“This is awesome!” you say. “How could we want for
anything more!” you say. You’re thinking, “Can I have
this man’s children?!” I know. I know. But, don’t get
too excited yet. ‘Cause there’s even more!

Because not only will my phone detect if that person
is drunk dialing you, not only will it tell you, not
only will it play some bad-ass 80’s long-haired rock…
but it will also record the entire conversation, and
after completion of said conversation, it will email a
transcript to every person on your phone list, and
every person on their phone list. It’s what I call
“The Solid Proof Theory” and it may come in handy in
court someday. I know. I go above and beyond. It’s
what I do.

So, anyway, that’s my idea. Please, no one rip me off.
I really got to do some studying on… uh… well, pretty
much everything that comes with that idea. But, I do
think after I kidnap a few scientist we will be able
to make this work, and we can make this world a better
place to live in. And, of course, by “live in” I mean
“drink in.”

Posted by De at March 17, 2005 02:07 PM