Yes, Virginia. There IS a Santa Claus.
I secretly asked Santa for Rachel Lucas to start blogging again. He totally came through!
Hi! Remember me?
I suck.
I've been "busy" lately and by the time I get ready to settle down and get online, I'm too tired to even think of anything remotely interesting.
Actually, I've been really really exhausted lately and I pray that I'm not coming down with the flu.
Lovely Boyfriend will be here in 4 1/2 days and I haven't lifted a finger to clean this rat hole.
It's ok, though. As usual, I'll wait until the last second and kill myself getting stuff done.
I'm still not done Christmas shopping. I am sure I'll be out Christmas Eve, fighting all the other last minute shoppers for the last crappy gift on the shelf.
Is anyone else out there a re-gifter? I'm a HUGE re-gifter. Half the shit I get from friends and acquaintances is ok or neat stuff but stuff I don't need. So, a lot of times I'll just re-gift it when I need a quick or inexpensive gift for someone else.
One day I'm going to screw myself, royally. I just know I'm going to end up giving the gift someone gave me back to them.
I'll let you know when it happens so you can laugh your ass off.
In the meantime, I might not be posting so much while I procrastinate but read all the kick ass Piper on my blogroll to keep yourself occupied.
Newsflash: Women are manipulative.
Some women are manipulative in a mean way. Those are evil women.
But I'm talking about those of us who are manipulative in a totally utilitarian way.
It's necessary with some men. You can't just tell them things you want them to know or do. You have to let them think it's their idea.
It's a very subtle gift. It's just the way we phrase a question, cock an eyebrow or the tone of our voice.
Some women use this talent for good, others use it for evil.
At the risk of being kicked out of the club, I warned my own boyfriend of this because of the possibility of a friend of his using it for evil.
I didn't want to give the secret away but it was necessary. He's 1200 miles away. I can't kick her ass from here, so I have to trust that he can look out for himself, with my help, of course.
I don't mind letting the cat out of the bag (so to speak). Just because you guys know we're capable of it doesn't mean you'll know when we're doing it.
Bush says "Merry Christmas" to the world
I was sound asleep this morning when my mom called and said, "I know you were sleeping but you've GOT to get up and turn on the TV."
This is what I saw:
Saddam Hussein has been captured, like the animal he is.
Howard Dean made a statement this morning saying it was a great day for the military and for the Iraqi people. Somehow, he didn't seem very happy. I wonder why?
I don't expect this to change the way any of these liberals feel. I'm sure they'll find something to complain about.
Dear Santa,
Although I have been more on the naughty rather than nice side, I'm asking for only one thing this year.
Please let me be like Anna from Primal Purge when I grow up.
I'd like nothing more than scathing wit and a complete disinterest in political correctness.
Sincerely,
Me (Who is still waiting for that damn Easy Bake Oven, ya fat bastard!)
Do you ever....
walk in your house and realize your place is a fucking wreck? Then do you realize you have NO idea where to even begin to clean it?
Or...has your house been messy but you can't clean it up until you complete one certain job? Unless you do that one certain job, your house will remain a mess. My one certain job is laundry. Since I don't have a washer and dryer in my apartment, I only wash what I absolutely HAVE to wash. The rest gets pushed aside until I have a mountain of laundry big enough to cause avalanches my dogs can get lost in. Once I level this mountain, cleaning the rest of the place is a breeze.
I realized last night that I have officially run out of storage space when I had to store a box of old dishes on my patio. I was always proud of my clean patio when other neighbors have boxes and other crap on theirs.
The truth of the matter is...I'm lazy. It takes a huge amount of energy and willpower for me to get off my ass and clean.
The countdown has begun, however. Lovely Boyfriend arrives Christmas day and I can't allow him to see how I really live. I want to wait until he moves here and I have him trapped. By the time he completely changes his life, moves down here, gets a new job and commits himself to our life together, THEN I can bust loose with my lazy, slovenly lifestyle.
Kinda stupid that I let the cat out of the bag when he reads my blog everyday, huh?
Sometimes Ya Just Gotta Laugh
My family is strange. We have bad luck, it's genetic. It's rare that we have good luck, just times when the bad luck isn't so bad. One would think this would make us surly, dark people. Instead, we're moronically (is that a word) funny.
My parents have always had a tumultuous relationship. I can remember loud fights from as early as the age of 3 or 4. I hated it.
As I got older, I realized how fucking stupid it was. Why stay married if you're that unhappy? Now, it's funny as hell to see how ridiculous they act. My dad is almost always the instigator, he's a real jerk sometimes.
One day they were shopping at Sam's Club and had a disagreement about God knows what. Dad opened a package of cookies to eat while driving home and they continued their argument. Mom must have really said something to piss Dad off because in a fit of anger, he picked up the package of cookies and hurled them out the truck window.
Mom laughed and said, "How is that supposed to hurt ME? They were YOUR cookies!"
He dropped my mom off at home, unloaded the groceries by throwing them in the yard and drove off in a huff with my mother yelling after him, "Don't bother coming back!"
I arrived at my parents' house a few minutes after this episode and found a couple of cans of food laying near the driveway. I asked my mom about it and she told me the story. I laughed til I was in tears.
And you thought YOUR family was disfunctional.
Shake The Bottle, Wake The Homo
Title via The Slogan Generator. It's an addictive little thing.
Dear Blogger,
This evening, I wrote two long posts filled with my wit, wisdom and breathtaking prose. You murdered both of them.
Screw You!
Sincerely,
Pissy McAngry
....And the shitty week comes to an end...
It's Friday. I would say "Thank God" but that's so cliche. Instead I'll say, Holy fucking SHIT I'm glad this week is over.
I know I've whined about how completely fucked up my life is right now so I'll spare you the details. On second thought, I wouldn't have a blog if it weren't for the details. So here goes...
If you've read any past entries, you'll probably have seen that my car broke down and had to be pulled to the mechanic. Well, the problem was the starter so I had to have a new one installed. That was expensive and I hadn't even started the new job yet.
Then I realized that I had a left turn signal out and since I'm the only one in the state of Texas that actually uses their turn signals, I took that in to have fixed. I naively asked them to also check the thermastat because I felt like my temperature gauge was acting funny.
Guess what, my lovely reader(s)? My innocent inquiry turned out to be a HUGE FUCKING DEAL. The water pump. Yes, I had a leak in the water pump.
So, instead of driving the car, waiting around for it to get hot and explode or whatever it does when the water pump is leaking, I had them replace that too. $400 bucks later, I have a car now. This car better run like a freakin dream.
I won't even go into the damn scene from Abbott and Costello meets the Keystone Cops that resulted from me needing my parents to help me get back and forth to work, run errands and drop off and pick up the car.
I was so glad to get home and just veg out in front of the computer screen without having to worry about doing something confusing or stressing the next day. I'm thinking about opening a bottle of wine but that would require me getting up from the couch and right now that's too much work.
I was able to catch up on some blog reading and found one of the funniest posts I've read in a LONG time.
I've been in her shoes when it comes to Mom asking about the blog. I let her read it once back in the early pseudo-pundit days. Afterwards, I couldn't write a thing without censoring it with Mom in mind so I went to her house and deleted my link and cleared her history.
Mom can surf the web a little but digging around looking for a previously viewed site would be beyond her.
Short Attention Span Blogging
I don't have much to talk about today so I'll leave you with some tidbits.