I think I'm off fried chicken for a while...
After what this guy went through, I'll never look at Popeyes the same way.
Baltimore health officials say a patron of a Popeye's restaurant bit into a mouse that had been fried along with the chicken.
It's Official...I'm Old
I spent Saturday night playing PlayStation2 with my goddaughters who are 13 and 11.
It didn't take long for me to realize that I've become like my parents were when I was their age.
I would shake my head and wonder why adults are so dumb when they would ask me to program the VCR for the 100th time after the electricity went out or it somehow came unplugged.
The girls looked at me with something like pity in their eyes when I voiced my confusion over all the buttons and sticks on the controller. They tried to tell me things like, "Click the 'X' for enter, use the right analog to control your man, hit L1 to use your artillery..." I stared at them with a glazed expression, practically drooling on myself.
What happened to those controllers that had a joystick and one red button?
As we played the game, my ineptness apparently wore down their patience and Megan kept saying, "Man Aunt De! We're only playing on the BEGINNER level!"
Dear Father Time,
Screw you!
Sincerely,
The Old Crone
My Best Friend Is Front Page News
Her story will be on the front page of Sunday's paper.
I've known about this for about 14 years now but I didn't know it while we were growing up.
Her father had to abduct her from her mother's home due to abuse and neglect. They changed their names and came to live here.
Her fake birthday was September 24 and that's when we always celebrated it. When the truth came out, I found that her real birthday was the day after mine. Can you imagine how hard it was for her to not tell her best friend?? It must have been so difficult to watch while I celebrated my birthday, knowing her birthday was the next day.
I still send her a "Happy Fake Birthday" card on September 24th every year and for the last 14 years, we've celebrated our birthdays together. Like it should have been all along.
Signs of Autumn
Could it be the leaves slowly turning golden brown and burnt orange? No.
Could it be the soft, cool breeze blowing across the lawn? No.
Or could it be the fact that my face feels like it's going to slide off and my eyes feel like they are going to burst out of their sockets? Ding Ding Ding
With the start of Fall comes the beginning of sinus troubles for me.
I took some meds my mother gave me and all these fuckers do is make me sleepy.
How does that work? Do they think that I'll just sleep through my sinus infection?
I was thinking of taking some Nyquil but with all that alcohol content I might as well drink a bunch of shots of my Tarantula tequila, give a couple lap dances to the people in the laundry room, vomit on my couch and pass out on my bathroom floor. Then at least I'll have forgotten about the sinus infection and still get to sleep for 12 hours.
It Really IS All About me!
Venomous Kate's letter of the day is D.
D is for Dates, of the first variety.
D is for my Dallas Cowboys.
D is for Duhhh...I'm not very good at this. How does Kate do it?
Holy...
Ok, I've been hearing about Kelley at Suburban Blight and her awesome cul-de-sac for quite a while now but I am kinda dumb. When EVERYONE is raving about something, I have this stubborn way of NOT wanting to jump on the bandwagon.
That's why I ignored the cul-de-sac for so long.
Finally, today, I decided to see what all the hub-bub was about and DAMN.....it IS awesome!
Don't be a dumbass like me. Go check it out!
If You Like Pina Coladas and Taking A Dump In The Rain..
Then you're not one of my dogs.
It's been steady raining for two days now. I'm not talking about scattered showers but huge steady downpours.
I got them out before it started yesterday afternoon but we weren't able to go out again until 8pm. Then it was just a quickie because it started raining again.
Zoe and Piper just hate to walk in wet grass. If they do, they do this little doggie tip-toe walk. I had never seen a dog tip-toe until I had these guys.
Crash doesn't give a shit about any of that. He never pays attention to where he walks. Last night he even stepped on a frog. Boy that freaked him out. You know how when people trip, they automatically turn around to see what it was they tripped over? That's what he did. I could almost hear his thoughts, "What the fuck was THAT?"
Anyway, we didn't go out again until nearly noon today. Those dogs held it from 8pm last night to noon today. I don't know how they did that.
So, we finally get to go out today, it's very wet and overcast outside but it's not raining. Well, that is until we get pretty far from the apartment. Then it started drizzling. I watched my dogs going to the bathroom thinking, "It can't be fun pooping in the rain."
I wouldn't know anything about that but have YOU ever pooped in the rain?
As The Dog Snot Turns
As usual, there is some drama going on at Dog Snot Diaries.
I don't know how all this shit started and frankly, I don't care. There was some name calling and some misunderstandings and more stupid shit.
I don't know.
I read Geoffrey's blog everyday and he's a cantankerous dude sometimes (which makes him fun to read) but he's always fair and honest.
I don't think he hates women as a whole. He might have insulted some dumb bitches but dumb bitches need to be insulted, especially if they come over to his blog and make dumb bitch-like comments.
I am not easily offended and maybe that's a bad thing but I get so fucking sick of whiny assmonkeys who scream, "Oh no! You've affected my delicate sensibilities with your irreverence."
Some people love being perpetually offended. What would they do with their lives if they didn't have that stick up their asses?
None of this pertains to the chick with whom he's currently having the tiff. I don't know her nor do I read her blog.
All I do know is, it's damn near impossible to win an argument with Geoffrey. Why do people keep trying?
It's Always Dirty
And this, Ladies and Gentlemen, is why I read Acidman everyday.
Not many men would have the *ahem* balls to post this on their blog:
I like a woman who believes that sex should be "dirty" if you do it right. If I've got you nekkid in my bed, I don't want to cuddle and be sweet to you. I want to fuck your brains out. I want to feel your fingernails clawing my back and digging into my ass while I ride you like a rodeo cowboy. I want you to COME OUT LOUD to let me know I'm doing what I'm supposed to do.
YeeHaw
On Your Knees!
I'm a sucker for a man who begs.
Check out contestants at the New Blog Showcase but only vote for Snooze Button Dreams.
Ode To The Joy Of Peanut Butter
I agree with everything this person says about peanut butter.
I adore peanut butter and always have.
Creamy is my favorite. I have gotten up in the middle of the night and had a spoonful of it just to tide me over til the morning.
Peanut butter on squishy white bread is heaven.
Peanut butter on hot toast is delightful. The peanut butter melts and runs off the sides so you have to lick it off before you take a bite.
Put it on a bagel and it's out of this world.
Peanut butter on Pink Lady apples makes my day!
I am lactose intolerant and just plain don't care for milk unless it's with Oreos or cereal so I don't enjoy drinking it with my peanut butter but to me, nothing beats washing it down with Dr. Pepper. Mmmm Mmmm good!
Yay Peanut Butter!
link found via Gut Rumbles
Lithium Anyone?
Dog Snot Diaries had this story:
This fucktard has a theory about September 11 that makes Anna Nicole look sane.
Immediately before the plane strikes it fires a missile that blows a hole in the building's façade. This is the cause of that brief flash. The plane then begins to disappear neatly into this hole, leaving no wing impressions. Just before it disappears however it fires two more missiles from somewhere near its tail. One goes to the left, one to the right (and up a bit) and it is the blast holes from these three separate missiles that form the great gash across the building.
Christ on a crutch! This guy is super paranoid!
This reminds me of a much crazier psycho, Randy Crow.
This dude is two seconds away from wearing a tin foil hat.
He thinks the September 11 planes were flown by remote control. He also believes that jet fuel wouldn't have caused the vast explosions we saw on that morning.
I'm willing to help him prove his theory. Let's have him step into a bucket of jet fuel and drop a match in there.
If jet fuel is so harmless, he shouldn't be worried.
With Bells On
Bill Whittle will hit the road sometime next year and this is why I'd be first in line to hear him speak:
But it occurs to me, sitting here as I write this, that loathsome creatures like Noam Chomsky and Michael Moore have made millions of dollars tearing down this country. Perhaps there are people that will pay to hear someone help build her back up again.
The Barter System
I found this story via Margi Lowry.
SEPTEMBER 11--Meet Gregory Mulligan. The 42-year-old Georgia man, a salesman at Tires Plus in Athens, was just arrested for offering a lewd layaway plan to a female customer who could not afford a $400 set of wheels. According to this Athens-Clarke Police report, Mulligan told the 25-year-old woman that he would give her the tires for free "if she would meet him at a hotel room for sex." The woman contacted cops (who redacted her name from the report) and Mulligan was charged with pandering and solicitation. Mulligan was arrested at work and photographed in his Tires Plus shirt.
Too bad they arrested him. I could use some new tires.
The Good News
Having dinner with my mom, two of my sisters and my nephew, I was reminded of a great story that we've been telling for years.
When Michael (who is now 13) was in the second grade, his father was diagnosed with a brain tumor (he's doing fine now) and my sister was a basketcase. She and my brother-in-law had been together since she was 13 and the thought of losing him and the kids losing their father had her near hysterics all the time.
One day, in the middle of all of this, she was picking up Michael from school. When he hopped in the car, she asked her daily question, "How was school today?"
Michael said, "I have good news and bad news."
Dana groaned and said, "Michael, I just can't take anymore bad news right now. Just give me the good news."
"Ok," he said, "the good news is: the nurse had an extra pair of underwear."
he would kill me if he knew I posted this story
Birth control
So far, this weekend has been all about shopping. Not shopping for myself, sad to say. My nephew had cotillion tonight and I was commissioned to go with my sister and nephew, Michael, to find him something to wear.
This a HUGE undertaking because Michael is very particular and headstrong and he's 13 almost 14. You guessed it, puberty is coming on strong. Actually, I hadn't seen him in probably 2 weeks and when I went over there yesterday, the first time I heard him speak, I started looking around the room for the grown man instead of that teenager. His voice has become deep overnight. He's also growing like a freaking weed. He's probably about 5'9" or 5'10" and is now wearing a a size 12 shoe! He's a giant kid!
Anyway, my sister thinks I have a special enough relationship with him that he will listen to me when it comes to clothes. No chance. If we act like we really like something, he automatically dismisses it. If it's on sale, he refuses to acknowledge it.
On our first outing, about 10 minutes in, I told him that if he were MY kid and gave me this much trouble shopping for clothes, he'd stay home in his freaking underwear instead of going to the dance.
After several hours of shopping, two malls, and 5 minutes before the mall was closing, we had a tie, a dress shirt and shoes.
This afternoon, he decided that he hated everything we bought. While my sister was coddling him, I told him he was wearing what we bought so "shut the hell up". So much for his cool aunt.
Chile?
Someone from Chile found my blog by using google.cl to search "allaboutde".
Don't you think they were looking FOR ME? I mean...how many allaboutde's are there?
Hey, if you're out there looking for me, here I am. Let me know.
Shock
John Ritter is dead.
I'm in shock and I'm so sad.
I've always loved John Ritter. Some of my favorite memories of childhood is watching the ABC Tuesday night line up with my mom. We loved all those shows, Three's Company, Happy Days, LaVerne & Shirley, etc
I was very happy to see that his career had taken off again with his new show.
Just as his new show was to begin their second season, he dies. It's just too sad.
Johnny Cash passed away too. It wasn't so much of a shock but it's sad nonetheless.
This Day Is Dedicated To The People Listed Below
You Must Read This
There is a reason why Bill Whittle is so popular. This is why.
I Agree But...
I hear you Rob...I feel your pain, your hatred of that face-lifted fool, Jerry Jones. I, however, just can't give up on them.
I agree with everything he said about Emmett Smith. That man is a prince among men, not only as a man, but as an athlete and it broke my heart when the Tuna cut him.
I remember loving the Cowboys when I was 8 yrs old. I may have loved them before but my 8th year stands out in my mind because for Christmas I asked for a Cowboys coat with zip off sleeves and gloves with a Dallas Cowboys patch and matching stocking hat. Now, I live on the Gulf Coast of Texas, how often would I wear a coat, gloves and hat? "Santa" brought them to me anyway.
Every team has good years and bad years. It's a cycle and it'll be our turn again soon.
Guess where I'm going?
It's not until November 8 but I'm excited about it NOW. I'm going to the Texas Book Festival in Austin!
I'm really excited because there are going to be TONS of famous authors including:
Amy Tan who wrote one of my favorite books, The Joy Luck Club.
Dan Rather
Dave Barry
Scott Turow
Ridley Pearson
and.....
Barbara Bush!!! I might get to meet Barbara Bush (or possibly just see her from afar)
No one really knew her...
My mom's best friend from high school died back in July. Mom has since been helping her mother clear out her house by going through things to see what can be sold and what can be donated or just plain thrown away.
Mom was over there yesterday and apologized that she wasn't there the day before to help clean out a large file cabinet. The friend's mother said she was actually happy that no one was there. She refused to say what she found in the file cabinet but based on those findings, she has decided that she never really knew her daughter at all. She was thankful that her granddaughters weren't there while she read through these things and she took them home and burned them so no one would read them.
I couldn't imagine what could be so horrible. My mom had assumed the file cabinets held manuscripts of novels that were started and never finished. What was in there? Journals that recorded horrible truths? Erotic stories?
After her death, we found out a lot of things we didn't know. She had had a long running affair with a married man who later either died or went back to his wife. We'll never know because she told us they had a normal, lovely romance before he died of cancer. There were other things but I just realized today that this woman lived for 65 years, had two children but no one ever really knew her. What a frightening thought. Will I die without anyone really knowing me? The real me?
Is it possible for a person to really know another person? I suppose there are parts of us that no one could possible know but to hide your real self from everyone for 65 years is a mind blowing thought.
And the winner is...
Andy Roddick! He's the new US Open Champion!
I'm such a super sap. When he aced Ferrero for the final point and covered his face in disbelief, I cried. I love seeing a deserving person win. I also hate to see some people lose.
Andy was just masterful on the court. Ferrero finally gave up, barely moving when Andy would deliver his 130+ mph serves.
It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing...
That sexy rockin morrocan got his ass handed to him by David (pronounced Dah-veed, thank you very much) Nalbandian.
Actually, El Aynaoui seemed tired and I really think he beat himself.
It's ok though, because today Andy Roddick won over Nalbandian in an exciting match today.
I've always thought that mop-headed Morrocan was quite cute until I saw him smile with those brown teeth during an interview. I'm sorry, I just can't have sexual fantasies about a man with brown teeth.
My long-time tennis love, Andre Agassi, lost to Juan Carlos Ferrero. It was a great match but Ferrero just outplayed him, sad to say.
We're getting old, Andre and I. I loved him in highschool when I was a big flaming geek and he was a rockstar tennis player with big hair and neon clothes. Now, he's bald, getting a little thick around the middle and I'm still a big flaming geek.
The Straight Poop
I don't know what this person is talking about.
Women don't poop. At least that's what they'd like you to think. I think it's funny when you go into the restroom at work and every stall will be filled, but no one is coming out of them. The women sit there, silently like deer, as though if they stay very, very still, no one will know they're crapping.
I certainly do NOT poop! I won't get an asshole until I get married.
Allah Says What?
Snooze Button Dreams has some really good questions for Allah.
My personal favorite:
If male martyrs get 72 virgins, what do female martyrs get?
God, I hope female martyrs don't get virgins. 72 male virgins=72 Quake-playing pimple-faced geeks, 72 crusty socks by the bed, 72 pocket protectors, 72 versions of the Blaster virus, 72 Star Trek-postered basements, and 72 over-bearing mothers.
I won't be blowing myself up for THAT!
Now you'll understand...
why all the homos flock to his blog.
That ain't no automatic weapon he's packin.
Ain't the Blogosphere great?
I've had Autopsy Report on my blogroll for a while but while reading it tonight I realized how freaking great bloggers are.
Bloggers of all walks of life share their professions and expertise.
At Autopsy Report, Brian answers tons of questions, even the morbid ones. We ALL have this morbid curiosity but usually don't ask because well...sometimes the only contact we have with people with this knowledge is when we go to our own general practioners and then because of insurance companies we're being rushed through visits.
Brian discusses what exactly blunt force trauma really is. He explains what happens when someone gets external lacerations after they're dead.
He has described in detail what happens to a decomposing body. Sure, it's gross. But it's real, it's what happens to all of us eventually but only a small fraction of the world know this stuff the way he does.
It makes for great reading!
OhFerChristsake
Of all the stupid fucking things....
This story comes via Geoffrey (the cutest boy in the blogosphere) at Dog Snot Diaries.
A bunch of illegal aliens are suing Virginia colleges for denying them admission based on their illegal immigrant status.
WTF?
You. Are. Illegal. What part of that don't you understand?
You are not here in our country legally. That means you do not get to take advantage of our higher education system. You should not get to take advantage of ANYTHING we have (until you are no longer a criminal).
I loved Geoffrey's idea of making the lawyers accountable for their cases. It certainly would cut down on the frivolous lawsuits filed.
What a pain in the ass
Via Venomous Kate. If this guy is unable to reproduce, then congrats on a job well done. We don't want anyone else taking a dip in that gene pool.
Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for
During my internet exile, I was also going through one of the most horrible, agonizing times of my life. I'm not going to get all personal here so that's all I'll say about that...
However, I got through the worst part of it because of my friends.
One friend took a day off of work to be with me. I didn't even have to ask, he just did it.
On top of what was going on in my life, my poor mother's air conditioning in her car went out and we were having triple digit weather. She put her car in the shop at the Buick dealer and they had it for nearly a week so since I'm not working and really don't absolutely NEED to go anywhere, I let her borrow my car. At 65, she doesn't need to be driving around in that heat.
So, the first night, I'm sitting home alone totally craving ice cream.
My best friend called to check on me and I was catching her up on what was going on in my and my mother's life. I laughingly explained that it figures that the one night I don't have a car, I'm having this bizarre craving for ice cream and cereal.
We chatted for a little while and hung up.
A few hours later, I took the dogs out and on the way back I saw a car parked at the curb in front of my stairs and I thought the dark figure walking to the car looked vaguely familiar. Then I heard her talking into her cell phone and I realized it was her. I called her name and met her at her car.
She was laughing because she was on her cell phone talking to my voice mail saying, "I KNOW you're there! You don't have a car to GO anywhere!"
She was in a hurry but said she left some things on my doorstep for me and she left.
I got upstairs and there were three grocery bags in front of my door.
The bags were filled with all my favorite foods: Cheetos, Dr. Pepper, Little Debbie snack cakes, various frozen food items and ICE CREAM! Not just any ice cream either...she got the GOOD stuff. There were 3 pints of Ben & Jerry's: Peanut Butter Cup, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough and Phish Food and two pints of Haagen Dazs chocolate and chocolate chocolate chip.
I couldn't believe it. I wanted to cry!
I'm not the type of person who relies on their friends. I NEVER call my friends up and ask them to do things for me or come over because I need to talk. So, when a friend does these unbelievably nice things for me, I am stunned.
I guess it's true that when you're at the lowest, you find out who your real friends are.
I have some really REAL friends!
I also have the world's best boyfriend. He may be 1200 miles away but I felt like he was with me every second.
Sunny side up..
Arnold gets egged.
I don't even like it when politicians I don't like get things thrown at them.
Arnold took it in stride and had a great response.
Martyr = Murderer
For the same reason why suicide bombers are murderers not martyrs, this guy should have shot himself after he shot the abortion doctor. It would surely save the tax payers a lot of money.
I have a question: Why do they do a "routine autopsy" after they give someone a lethal injection? Why does it matter how they died?
Rachel Lucas has added another celebrity asshat to her list.
Did you know Marc from Quit That! caused the Blackout of 2003? Me neither!
Rain rain go away...
The US Open was rained out today. BooHoo. They spent their air time replaying matches from this weekend and they also replayed the famous match between Jimmy Connors and Aaron Krickstein from 1991. I didn't see this match. In 1991, I was 19, in college and pretty much drunk all the time.
I didn't know who won (although I could probably guess) so this match totally had me hooked.
It was so close and so heart-wrenching, I couldn't even get up to go to the bathroom.
After what Connors thought was a bad call by the referee, he became enraged and cursed the ref out, calling him a son of a bitch and a bum, screaming at him to get out of the chair and get the hell out of there.
This happened a few times and Connors was blatantly wrong. The refs calls were clearly correct but he still railed on the poor man, getting the crowd worked up and screaming at the ref too.
I realized that Jimmy Connors was a prick. His tantrum reminded me of John McEnroe and suddenly I realized that with the retirement of those two men came the end of the tennis tantrums. I may be wrong but I don't see tennis players throwing fits and cursing out the refs anymore.
Is it possible that they've evolved as athletes, playing a more mannerly and refined game?
I love tennis. I use to play a lot until an ex boyfriend berated me once for my lack of technique. I was so upset and humiliated that I never played tennis again. Now, I just watch and love it from afar.
Oh and Andre Agassi being all hot and shit doesn't hurt!
