Boobs.

I told De, when she asked me to guest blog, that "I'll probably just blog about tits and facials."

Now to fulfill the first part of that promise slash threat (depending on your viewpoint, I guess). I just finished a Physics lab, so I may throw some math in here, but I doubt it, because I've not weighed any breasts lately, nor can I remember how to find out the volume in cm³ of boobies.

As I said, Physics lab. I am in college. Not only that, I am in college in the south. We don't have four seasons like the rest of the world, and the seasons we have don't match up with the rest of the world. We can swim in December and not be cold. January and February are generally the only cold months. Sometimes December and March, but usually just those two. As it stands, I see short shorts and cleavage pretty much ten months out of the year.

This does things to my brain that ten years of internet porn surfing have yet to rival. I see lots of boobs. Lots. All kinds. Little boobs, big boobs, medium boobs, happy boobs, and unfortunately, sad boobs. Sad boobs, for those of you keeping score, point at the floor. Generally a girl with sad boobs doesn't need a bra so long as she wears shorts with side pockets.

Despite what the internet says, most girls are not D cups or better. There are a healthy number of girls here with small breasts. I'd say half but I honestly don't keep count. Math and boobs don't mix. As long as there are an even number, that's cool with me. That's as far as the math has to go. But those girls with smaller boobs are a different post, and so we'll discard them from the pile for right now. They're like a pair of twos in Poker. They just can't beat a pair of Queens.

This requires a bit of story telling so bear with me.

Now, as I said, I have an older woman fixation at the moment. This started my first semester in college when, contrary to all logic, I had a hot teacher. I was floored. I thought she was a student at first. I've never worked so hard on grades before -- I had like a 106 average in the class -- because I was all puppy dog over her. Note for future hilarity, that once she was sitting on her desk with a skirt and I thought I could see up it, and she caught me looking. Then I find out she's married, but that's okay, I have a shovel and four acres of land in Florida. Then I find out she's recently pregnant.

Shit.

I swore off swooning for teachers at that point. And then...

Second fall semester. Another "is she a student?" moment with a teacher. A teacher who bends over. A lot. With her ass in my direction. I won't retype the history of it, but I spent the first half of the semester convinced she was hitting on me. Touching my shoulders, head (the top one, perv), leaning over my desk (and going out of her way to do so), all that. She was obviously proud of her body -- she had a pair of Queens, and an ass you could see the future in. She was, of course, married. But that's okay. I still have the shovel and four acres.

Then near the end of the semester, I find out she's recently pregnant.

Shit!

(I did the math, by the way, and it lined up about with conception occuring during the Katrina power outs. Told you there'd be math.)

Now, I'm not sure if you women are aware of this, because you can barely seem to figure out where your feet are, but when you get pregnant your breasts get bigger. It's proof that God has a sense of humor. As I said, second hot teacher liked showing off her body. She wore what I call "titty shirts" -- those beautiful, wonderful white cotton shirts that show off almost all of the breast, stopping only a few inches shy of nipplage. I don't know who designed them, but I want to have his babies (and I KNOW it was a man -- the last heterosexual fashion designer, probably).

The two combined made the next semester interesting. I didn't have her in any classes, but I did talk to her a lot. I once talked to her for two hours straight in her office, just about nothing, and I was standing up the whole time. And this was on a day when the Queens were covered. However, when she was, I don't know, maybe seven months pregnant, she was wearing said shirt. Okay, the woman was a natural D cup. And she's at the height of the swelling. And she's wearing one of those shirts. I usually glance, quickly, and look away, and usually when a woman is looking at something else.

Not that day. Oh no. Adam was focused that day. This would be the second time I was caught by a teacher looking in an inappropriate spot. She didn't make issue of it, or try and cover up or anything. Now, this teacher isn't that much older than me, so it's sort of understandable. And after that I was still considering, y'know, shovel, four acres.

The average age of my Physics lab group is brought up by a woman in the group with a son my age. She is a natural double D. She wore one of those shirts today. In fact, I think she wore the same size as the teacher did, and she had on some serious support.

And she expected me to focus on Physics? I don't think so.

At least she wasn't a teacher. (the hot teachers story doesn't end there, but the relation to boobs does)

Now, after all that, this is not the point of the post.

You women are nuts. You will wear something like that, and if I look, you will get offended. That's stupid! If I walked out with 60% of my scrote hanging out, and you looked, and I yelled at you maybe you'd see how stupid that is. If you show them off or wear a shirt with words on your tits, I am going to look. If you get mad, not only will I look, but I will masturbate thinking about you later and it will involve you taking a semen shot in each eye. Probably after being nailed in the ass, or more appropriately, being tit-fucked.

See, I fulfilled both ends of my threat.

Posted by at September 12, 2006 07:32 PM | TrackBack