The Unsaid

I am so tied up in knots right now.
I'm worried about a friend in Mississippi whom I haven't heard from as well as the unfathomable amount of people left without homes in Louisiana and Mississippi.
My heart breaks into a million pieces when reading the accounts online or watching the devastation on the news.

I'm worried about my poor dog who doesn't seem to be getting better. I worry that I'll have to make a big decision about him soon.

I'm worried about my new car. I've never owned a brand new car before and the financial commitment is overwhelming. I'm worried that now that I have a new car, someone will crash into it, scratch it, bump it or breathe on it.
There was an amount of freedom in driving a piece of shit, you know.

I'm tired of holding back. I feel like I have all this shit bottled up inside and I can't let it all out.
I'm tired of other people holding back; afraid to say what is on their minds.
Just fucking say it. If you open up, I will too.

I'm sick of this psycho black hole we have here at work.
She was gone for a week and it was a blessed vacation for us. She's back now and she just sucks the life out of this place.
How does a person live in that kind of pissed off misery? How can they justify making everyone around them miserable too?

No matter what shit I spew here or how much I whine, I'm a smiling fucker here at work.
I'm pleasant and easy to get along with.
If I can do it, why can't she?

I'm so sick of Cindy Sheehan and her lunatic rantings and all the media coverage she had been getting before Hurricane Katrina. It took one raging bitch to knock another off the top of the newscast.

I'm so tired of missing my nephew. Missing him will never end because I fully expected to have him in my life forever. Hell, he was supposed to take care of me when I was old and decrepit.

However, it's not all bad.
Well, not for me anyway. I can't imagine what it is like to lose everything because I still have a roof over my head everynight and a warm comfortable bed to sleep in.
I have plenty of food and water and can bathe whenever my little heart desires.
Crash still wags his tail when I talk to him and is crazy excited when I get home from work.
I DO have a brand new car that will take me where ever I want to go.
I only have to work with the psycho here for a few hours a day, then she can go home to her own misery and leave us all here, happy to see her gone.
Yes, Rick is gone and I feel a physical stab of pain when I think of his death, but I have his brother Michael who is SO amazingly beautiful in every way imaginable.
He started Driver's Ed. this week and is bouncing off the walls with excitement. I love that!
I told him the other night that the latest Harry Potter movie was coming out in November but I know that he'll be 16 then and if he didn't want to go with me this time, I'd totally understand.
He said, "No! I want to go. That's our thing," he hesitated and then exclaimed, "but now, I can drive YOU to the movies!."
Holy crap. He's right. When we started our tradition of going to the opening night of Harry Potter, he was just a little boy who got butterflies in his stomach as the opening credits appeared on the screen. Now, he's a 6'2" almost-driver who is growing up WAY too fast.
It's glorious to watch.

Posted by De at August 31, 2005 12:02 PM | TrackBack