Hot & Sticky

Last night my sister and I went to dinner. Afterwards we went to Borders to look around and have some coffee and dessert.
That’s where we shared the most decadent thing that ever existed on Earth: A chocolate Butterfinger brownie.
I wish I had a picture of this monstrosity. Chunks of chocolate covered Butterfinger candy bar swam in an ocean of chewy chocolate brownie.

Normally, my favorite bookstore is Barnes and Noble but about a year ago Borders opened right across the street. Yes, that’s right. Right. Across. The. Street.
Has our economy become so inflated that we can sustain one giant bookseller right next to another?
What’s worse is that the Barnes and Noble contain a Starbucks. Less than a mile down the road is a stand alone Starbucks which is located across the street from a very large mall that contains…yes…say it with me…another Starbucks.

I chose Borders this night because I don’t go there very often and it seemed like something different to do.
Here they have a large coffee and pastry café that actually isn’t called Starbucks. However, I dare say, my coffee rivaled that of the equally overpriced competition.
The problem with Starbucks is that they have become comfortable in their success. They don’t even try anymore.
The last several times I’ve gotten coffee there, it’s been terrible and their pastries have been dried out and old.
The Borders here isn’t quite so successful so they appreciate your business instead of taking it for granted.
Not only did I order the most magnificent chocolate brownie but the blessed lady behind the counter actually warmed it up! Take THAT Starbucks! You hand me a cold lifeless bagel but this places makes sure I leave with a warm, gooey, Butterfingery treat the likes of which I’ll soon never forget!

Something Amazing

I know it's hard to believe but Skankerella has posted on her blog!

Let me know if you need the link again.

Tamales: The American Dream

Today, I had a long conversation with a lady who use to sell us tamales.
They were the best freakin tamales I have ever put in my mouth.
They were the kind with real lard. Real lard like God intended!
She would deliver them fresh and hot. A dozen tamales would be wrapped in foil, then packed in a brown paper back. The melting lard would seep through the foil and stain the paper bag. This was a sign that you were about to experience something amazing!

Mrs. H doesn't come around selling tamales anymore so when I saw her today, I suddenly found my mouth watering and I looked at her so expectantly that she automatically said, "I no make tamales anymore."
"Well, Mrs. H, the world suffers because of it," I said sadly.

"My husband doesn't like me to sell tamales. He makes a face at me. I make GOOD money but when the bills are caught up, he doesn't want me selling them." She struggled to explain and I think I understood the gist of it.
He would do passive aggressive things like take their one and only vehicle and stay out all day so she couldn't make deliveries or sell the tamales in the local grocery store parking lot.
He didn't mind her selling them and making money when they needed it but I assume he wanted her home, making food for him when all the bills were paid.

She said at first she was embarrassed to sell tamales in the parking lot but then she thought to herself, "I'm working. I'm not on food stamps." and suddenly she wasn't embarrassed anymore.

Her oldest son is in his 30s now and he works in a bank. "I'm so proud of him. I come to this country when I was 16 and I didn't know how to read or write. But I work. Oh, I work so hard and everything I do, I do for my kids. I always put them first, you know?
Now, I can't believe I'm his mom. He wears a suit everyday and he carries one of those things..." she pantomimes a briefcase.
"He call me last week and says 'I have $1000 and I want you to have your own car. Mom, you need to live your life, not his (meaning her husband)."

I'm listening to her trying to take it all in. This was so remarkable.
"You must be so proud of him."

Her smile was so wide as she nodded. "I tell my kids, 'Whatever you put in your mind,'" she taps her forehead, "'you can do.'"
When she was 16, she came to the US on a visitor's visa of some sort. She had no intention of ever going back to Mexico. She didn't know any English but she knew how to work.
A neighbor taught her to write her own name and soon she learned how to read and write English a little.
She married when she was 20 and was pregnant almost immediately. She knew she would be able to become a legal citizen when her son was born so she got a lawyer and he got to work.
Four years later, she had her papers and she was very happy.
She said, "I wait and send more papers and wait again."
"But then, I took my son and left my husband," she searched for the right words, "There were girls girls always the girls." I understood that.
"I didn't like that, so we left. Then I met my husband and we have two kids. But I suffer." She put her hand over her heart to demonstrate how she must suffer.
"I wanted my kids to have Mom and Dad at home. I wanted them to go to school because I never go to school and I struggle. Now, my boys have GOOD jobs and Rosa is 18."
"My boy says "Mama, you always live his life. You need to get out.' Maybe it's time," she says to me and shrugs.

"Maybe I do leave and then I sell my tamales."

I Messed Up

I completely spaced out this weekend and forgot about my blogging challenge.
I realized that last night when it suddenly hit me that I didn't blog for Saturday OR Sunday.
By Sunday evening, I was a little out of it after spending some time with a bad influence. You do NOT want me blogging in that condition!

I was thinking the other day about how I miss doing nothing. There is not one day that I don't have some kind of obligation whether it be work or family related.
I remember having a day to do absolutely nothing a long time ago but I can't remember having one of those days recently...certainly not in the last few years.
Does anyone get these days at all anymore? I can understand if you have children and a spouse but I have none of those entrapments, yet I don't get much time to myself.

I tried that today but the pile of laundry spoke to me...taunted me, really.
"If you want to go to work naked tomorrow, fine, sit there and read your stupid book. See if I care!"

That damn passive aggressive pile of dirty clothes!

Struggling for golf balls

For some reason today, even writing about most mundane things, like African rats the size of domestic cats, Rosie's sudden and unshocking departure from The View, or The "Sanjaya" Hoax, is a struggle.

I've been challenged, though, so I'll tell you a story.

My best friend Lon and I came from parents who grew up in the same generation.
They didn't have discipline problems with their children because they taught them to respect people (esp their elders) and they beat their asses when they didn't.
Lon and I were good kids. We got ourselves into trouble sometimes but it wasn't for a lack of respect.

One sunny summer day, we trekked several blocks to the big park and spent our time leisurely going from swings to merry go rounds and back again.
I was about 8 so that would make her 10.
You have to understand that we didn't have video games, cell phones or computers and we barely had cable. During daylight hours, we spent our time outdoors. I know this is a strange concept to kids these days.
Being outdoors meant we often had to use our imagination and come up with our own ideas for entertainment.
This is why when I saw a shiny new golf ball on the ground, I quickly snatched it up, imagining what all we could do with my new found treasure.
After picking up that golf ball, I noticed another one. Lon came over to inspect my find and noticed a third ball, then a fourth, a fifth and suddenly, we realized we were surrounded by golfballs.
We were in golf ball heaven!
We didn't hesistate. We grabbed the tail of our shirts, flipped them inside out and started picking golf balls like they were cotton and we were on the plantation.
I don't know what in the hell we were going to do with all these golf balls but we felt like we hit the jackpot and we weren't going to leave a single one behind.

I stopped because I heard someone a great distance away yelling. I realized that I had been hearing it for a while but in my excitement, I blocked everything out.
Lon heard it too. We both stood there, looking around to see who was screaming.
That's when we saw him. A tiny dot of a man at the end of the field adjacent to the park, waving a golf club over his head.
We understood immediately what this meant. These were his golf balls and he was coming to kick our ass.
Simultaneously, we dropped our shirttails and about 50 golf balls fell to the ground.
We looked at each other briefly not saying a word and took off running.
Lon swears she never saw me run so fast and she's probably right.

After about 4 blocks, we stopped, panting heavily and fell to the ground laughing.
See, these days, I could see kids stealing the golf balls anyway and saying "Fuck you, asshole," to the poor man trying to get some shots in on a nice summer day.
But, despite our questionable judgement (which would get us into some sticky situations throughout the years), we were GOOD kids.

I'm sure there are a few good kids left, right?

The Finale

Maybe it's just me but lately, everything has been such a let down.

The American Idol finally seemed more like a geriatric musical review.
Tony Bennet? Smokey Robinson? Gladys Knight?
Don't get me wrong, they are all amazing performers and no one loves Midnight Train to Georgia more than I do but last year, freakin PRINCE came out and blew us all away and Mary J. Blige performed!
Joe Perry was slightly cool last night but he's inching up there into the old relic category.

And it's possible that only people of my generation will get this but when Doug E. Fresh came out, did you not suddenly feel like you were in junior high all over gain?
6 minutes...6 minutes....6 minutes Doug E. Fresh, you're OLD!

Wow

If you've got 8 minutes to spare, take a look at this.

I don't watch The View much because I couldn't stand Star Jones and now I can't stand Rosie's obnoxious conspiracy theorist views.
There was a time when, although I didn't agree with her political opinions, I admired her for her work with charities but now I'm beginning to think she might be absolutely batshit crazy.

Unfortunately, The View comes on right after Regis & Kelly and if I can't get to the TV to change it fast enough, I have to endure that first few minutes of cacking chaos.
I find it painful to listen to and watch them all gain up on Elizabeth because of her republican views. It's unfair and I don't know how she puts up with it. I'd be wielding a semi-automatic weapon before long, if I were her.

Watch the video, though. Elizabeth finally fires back and I love it!

iPodorama

I resisted getting an iPod for quite a while. Sure, all my friends had one and no one wants to fit in more than I do but to me an iPod seemed like a waste of money.
I would never use one. I don't have TIME for music.
But then the new iPod Shuffles came out right before Christmas and they were so teensy and wee. I had to have one.
Santa Claus came through and I was a proud owner of an iPod Shuffle.
Oh how fantastic this tiny little thing was! I became an iTunes junky. I suddenly discovered bands I had forgotten about, genres of music that I didn't know existed, podcasts, audiobooks, etc..
Suddenly, 1 gig wasn't enough. I had this fantastic idea when, right after Christmas the fucking asses at Apple decided to come out with a PINK shuffle, to get a second shuffle. Now I would have one for music and another for podcasts and audiobooks.

Just like that tiny hit of crack, I was hooked. Oh no, two shuffles weren't enough. I convinced myself that I needed a Nano - a PINK Nano. To justify my extravagance, I offered my two shuffles for sale. A coworker bought one and I haven't found a buyer for the pink one yet.
As soon as I had a buyer for the silver one, I hit Best Buy and shelled out $199 for a pink iPod Nano.
Oh how I love this thing! Seriously, I love it more than a person should love an inanimate object.
It holds pictures, podcasts, audiobooks and my precious music.
I have playlists and lyrics and games and a calendar. It's just simply super.

A friend took a look at my list of music and declared me insane.
He noticed one ABBA song and asked me how I sleep at night.

I sleep very well, thank you, with my earbuds firmly shoved in my ear canals!

Wanna see what's on De's iPod?

From Yesterday - 30 Seconds to Mars
Dancing Queen - ABBA (Only one song, really)
The Sound of Healing Meditations
Hearts of Space: Universe 4
Back to Black - Amy Winehouse (album)
The Energy - AudioVent
You Should Be Dancing - The Bee Gees (ONE song, I swear!)
Satisfaction - Benny Benassi
Welcome Home - Coheed & Cambria
The Light & The Glass - Coheed & Cambria
A Favor House Atlantic - Coheed & Cambria
Camouflage - Coheed & Cambria
Gateway - Constance Demby
Haven of Peace - Constance Demby
Corinne Bailey Rae - Corinne Bailey Rae (album)
Take the A Train - Count Basie/Duke Ellington
Delicate - Damien Rice
Eskimo - Damien Rice
9 Crimes - Damien Rice
Daughtry - Daughtry
Pull Me Under - Dream Theater
The Ytse Jam - Dream Theater
Metropolis - Dream Theater
The Game - Drowning Pool
September - Earth, Wind & Fire
Ain't Misbehavin' - Ella Fitzgerald & Count Basie
Them vs You vs Me - Finger Eleven (album)
The Colour and the Shape - Foo Fighters (album)
There Is Nothing Left To Lose - Foo Fighters (album)
O Mio Babbino Caro - Puccini
Standing In The Way Of Control - The Gossip
Bohemia - ILS (album)
Light Grenades - Incubus (album)
Wasted Years - Iron Maiden
Run To The Hills - Iron Maiden
Seven Days In Sunny June - Jamiroquai
Canned Heat - Jamiroquai
Where Do We Go From Here - Jamiroquai
Runaway - Jamiroquai
My Foolish Heart - Jane Monheit
I Won't Dance - Jane Monheit
Coltrane For Lovers - John Coltrane (album)
Voice of the Violin - Joshua Bell (album)
Falling Apart - Lagwagon
Violins - Lagwagon
Making Friends - Lagwagon
Extraordinary - Liz Phair
What Can't I - Liz Phair
Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5
Be Without You - Mary J. Blige
One - Mary J. Blige
Don't Stop Till You Get Enough - Michael Jackson
Wall of People - Monty Are I
Ringleader of the Tormentors - Morrissey (album)
Shine - Operatica
I'm Not Dead - P!nk (album)
Dummy - Portishead (album)
Je Ne Te Connais Pas - The Prototypes
Du Hast - Rammstein
Classical Music for Reading - The Reflections (album)
Breathe Me - Sia
If You Need Me - Solomon Burke
Divine Operating System - Supreme Beings of Leisure (album)
Song of India - Thelonius Monk
Epistrophy - Thelonius Monk
The Mirror Conspiracy - Thievery Corporation (album)
Rubberneck - Toadies (album)
Lateralus - Tool (album)
The Best of Both Worlds - Van Halen (album)
I A Not Afriad Of You And I Will Beat Your Ass - Yo La Tengo (album)
Destiny - Zero7

My Amazing AI Prediction

Don't act surprised. You all knew I was a loser who watched American Idol. I haven't blogged about it as much because....well...I'm a loser.

However, the big finale is coming up. The last two left on the island are Jordin and Blake.
I've already said it, Jordin will win.
Of the two, Blake is my favorite but this isn't about who I like, this is about who America likes and they love the mega-watt smile of Jordin.

Last night was pretty dull. I missed their first two songs but according to my friend Tammy who text messaged me throughout, they sang the same old crap.
I loved Blake's rendition of You Give Love a Bad Name but Tammy said it sucked this time.
I pulled in right as Blake was singing that uber gay Maroon 5 song that makes me want to jab myself in the eardrums with rusty eating utensils when it comes on the radio.
Not impressed.

Then Jordin sang that screechy Martina McBride song. Sure, maybe Martina has a great voice but all I hear when she sings is horrible HORRIBLE screaming. Maybe it's ME that's screaming...I'm not sure.
I was sad that Jordin felt the need to scream right along with her, though.

Then Blake and Jordin sang that special song, This Is My Now. Are you freakin kidding me? This song won a contest out of all the songs in the world?
Tammy texted me during Blake's performance and said "I think I wrote this song in the 6th grade."

I'm absolutely convinced that they purposely pick the worst song in the WORLD for the American Idol finalists to sing. It must be like some kind of fraternity hazing. Instead of making someone do the chicken dance in their underwear, they make them sing these god-awful songs.

The show ended with a performance by Chris Daughtry who DESPITE American Idol, has become a big success.
I have his album on my iPod and it's really good.
I don't know how well he sang last night, though. I wasn't really listening.

I dig boys in eyeliner.

Twenty-Bore

So, last night was 24's eagerly awaited 2-hour season finale.

I can sum this event up in one word: zzzzZZZZzzzzZZZzzz

Are you kidding me? That's it? We end with Jack standing at the edge of a cliff?
I was hoping for a gunshot as the screen went dark or something dramatic like that.

This is what we discovered in the finale:

• VP Daniels admits his mistakes and becomes a somewhat likable guy.


• Hottie Mc Old Guy, Bill Buchanan, risks it all to help Jack in his 3943483rd rogue mission of the day, at Karen's request.


• Chloe's pregnant. Who didn't see that coming? In television, when a woman is dizzy and/or faints, that's the universal code for pregnancy.


• Jack's father may or may not have died. Yes, he was lying there bleeding from the gunshot wound issued by Josh who may or may not be Jack's biological son and yes, the fighter jets were coming but there was a boat sitting RIGHT there and in 24 World, you can jump into a waiting boat, start the engine and escape huge explosions in like 3.5 seconds whereas I can't start my car, put on my seat belt, adjust the radio station, put on my sunglasses and back out of my parking spot before I've used half a tank of gas idling.


• Tom Lennox convinces Daniels to pardon Bill and Karen. Awww...he's a nice guy after all.

Alright...and here is what we DON'T know after the season finale:

• What the FUCK happened to Logan and his wonderfully crazy-ass wife, Jean Smart? Last we saw, she stabbed him in the jugular with a paring knife. Dude was bleeding like crazy and then....nothing. Haven't seen them since. I just KNEW they would clear that up at the end but no. WTF?


• What the FUCK happened to Wayne Palmer? Is he a vegetable? Will he be able to continue his duties as President? Will his injuries turn him into Evil Wayne?


• Is Papa Bauer really dead? Jack didn't watch him die like he said he did. He just assumed he died when the oil rig was destroyed. You know what happens when you assume, don't you Jack? You DIE!


• Where the hell is Kim? Doesn't she usually get dragged into any international incident? Is she still with some aging 80's teen heartthrob?


• What was the deal with Milo's brother. First he was there, then he wasn't. Why did he disappear? Is he going to avenge his dead brother (who looks NOTHING like him) next season? Is he going to kill Nadia since she was too chicken-shit to admit SHE was head of CTU?


• What happened to Lisa Miller? Is she going to be a vegetable like Palmer? Will Daniels forgive her and continue to rub her sticks together?


• and...Jack has used up about all his crazy. He lost it over Cheng, he lost it over his dad, his brother and the near-death of his nephew/son. What's going to push Jack over the edge next season?

Now we have to wait until January 2008 for all the answers. 24 better step it up. I might stop caring between now and then.

I Double-Dog Dare You!

Paul from Light & Dark apparently thinks I don't update my blog enough. Well, he's right.
He's trying to get back into the swing of blogging himself. Keeping current on a blog is difficult for a man like Paul. He's always busy saving orphans from burning buildings, helping old ladies cross busy streets, adopting children from Africa, settling disputes in the middle east, searching for a cure for cancer, AIDS and the common cold, feeding starving people in Darfur, etc...it's exhausting!
Me? I don't keep up with my blog because I'm a lazy mofo.

So, we're challenging ourselves. We're going to write at least one blog post a day for the next two weeks. I think I can handle that, can you, Pauly?

To my reader/s: Yes, you'll get 14 days worth of blog posts from me! Don't wet yourself from the excitement, ok?

Holy Crap

Have I really not blogged since May 8??

I'm sorry about that. The blogging community must be lost without me.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I don't want to turn this into one of those posts about not blogging.

I'm bringing back an oldie but goodie: Short Attention Span Blogging!

• AI: I wasn't surprised when Melinda Dolittle was voted off. Although she's UBER talented, Blake and Jordin have the younger following and it's typically the kiddies that do the voting. You don't see my old ass on my cell phone txting my votes, do you? I predict Jordin as the winner. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Blake, though. I love his spiky hair, his crazy-ass beat boxing and his sideways moonwalking. Being an old school Bon Jovi crazed fan (seriously, all I remember from highschool is Bon Jovi), I was scared when I heard he was doing "You Give Love a Bad Name" but he rocked it. I LOVED it. Anyway....my prediction is Jordin winning the show.
• It's baseball season and I'm obsessed. If I'm not actually AT Minute Maid Park, I'm watching it on TV.
  I was there Saturday evening for the only win against the Rangers in this series. I guess instead of a jinx, I'm becoming a good luck charm. I KNEW I should have gotten season tickets!
  I can't believe it but I actually sat in front of smart people. Normally, the people behind me are usually idiots.
  There was an older gentleman behind us with his foreign exchange student from South Korea. I loved how he was explaining the game to him. Obviously, they've spent a lot of time watching it on TV because the kid knew a lot but the old guy was showing him where he could see the score, where he could find out what kind of pitch was thrown and how fast it was, etc. Then, when the kid went to the restroom, he told us the kid was due back in South Korea at the end of June and he didn't want to go. Shit, I can understand that. As a country, we have our faults but c'mon...it's awesome here and there is nothing better than a baseball game at in a beautiful park!


• How sick am I? I'm excited about Paris Hilton going to jail. All my life I've witnessed celebrities and the like getting away with things like...oh...MURDER, so it's nice to see someone who thinks she's above the law being brought down to reality. Not that this will do any good. She's never lived in the real world. Her brain is hard-wired to think she is better than everyone else. It will still be SO much fun picturing her eating slop in her ill-fitting jumpsuit. PRICELESS!


• My friend just told me about an ad on Craig's List. It's a man, looking for a woman...to take a shit in his mouth. So, is this a thing now? To become a viable single person, looking for some fun, I have to contend with shitters? Are there actually women willing to do this and are these people my competition? I'm not sure I'm up for it, you know? I might have to settle for celibacy if it requires not only taking a crap in public but taking a crap ON someone.
  I've always known relationships were shitty but this is ridiculous!

Posted by De at 11:21 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

It's a GOOOOOOD Day in the Blogosphere

After a weekend of baseball and absolutely NO blog-reading, I come back on Monday to find that Rachel Lucas is back.
Yes, you heard me. She's back.

I'm a huge Rachel nerd. I love her more than a fat kid loves cake.

She's pretty damn smart too. She made it back in time for Paris Hilton's upcoming incarceration. I can't wait either, Rachel!

It's Like Someone Read My Mind...

a friend in the "organization" sent me this:

Buy Me Some Peanuts & a World Series

I have been assaulted by the news yesterday that Roger Clemens has returned to baseball...in a Yankees uniform.

Seriously, are he and Andy Petitte locked in a gay love affair? What's going on here? Andy goes to the Astros; Rocket goes to the Astros. Andy goes back to the Yankees. Rocket goes back to the Yankees. Suspicious??

Far be it from me to deny a man his opportunity to get paid but I can't help but feel a little betrayed. I also can't help but feel like Roger Clemens is an opportunistic turncoat; but that's just me.
My only solace is the fact that no matter how much money Steinbrenner dumps on the Yankees organization, they still suck this year.
Sure, they will probably pull out of it, but secretly, I hope they tank.

Don't tell anyone I said that, though. I like to give off the impression that I'm mature and have an ounce of character.