The Real New Year's Eve

My best friend emailed me on January 2 to wish me a Happy New Year and asked what I did for New Year's Eve.
I sent her the true story of what happened that night.
She has since told me several times that I need to post this on my blog because it was so funny.
I think maybe it was funny to her because she knows us. She knows that we are adults (some older than others *cough*) and she knows how out of character this whole event was for us.
To you, the reader, we will probably seem like immature degenerates. I'm not sure you would be wrong.

But in the interest of truth, I will post my TRUE New Year's Eve almost exactly the way I wrote it to my best friend.
Only the names have changed to protect the identity of the true degenerates.
I'll also post the story of our confession.

Hey,
Happy New Year to you!
Well, I was going to wallow in my own self pity for New Year's Eve. I had even bought a frozen lasagna, ice cream, pancake mix and cheap champagne but Sister #2 called and invited me over.
Sister #3 and Brother-in-Law #3 showed up and we all played Texas Hold 'Em and we got kind of drunk.
Mom was having her own little party with her friends. She invited people over to her house to play cards for NYE.
I mentioned at Sister #2's that I wanted to drive by and look through the window and see how her party was going.
Sister #3 said "And we should wrap her house!!"
I laughed and said "No, because *I* would have to clean it up."
But later (as I drank more) that seemed like a HILARIOUS idea; us running around wrapping her house while she and her little old friends were sitting inside innocently playing cards.
So, Sister #3, BIL #3, Sister #2, BIL #2, Nephew #2 and I tried cramming ourselves into my car but realized drunkenly that we wouldn't all fit so we climbed into BIL #2's truck with one roll of Cottonelle toilet paper because Sister #2 said she only had "the good stuff" and wouldn't let us use more than one roll.
We parked across the street from Mom's house and we could see through that big picture window that they were all sitting at the dining room table so we got out and ran into her yard.
BIL #2 threw the first time and it sailed over the top of the oak tree and came down, leaving a stream of paper wafting in the wind.
Nephew #2 then tried his hand at it and did a pretty good job. Sister #3 then took a try and she threw like a girl.
Right then, the dogs saw us through the window and they started barking.
Mom got up and looked through the screen door. We all took off running and hid behind the truck but Mom didn't see us.
BIL #2 and Nephew #2 finished the roll and we drove off laughing our asses off.
Mostly laughing at how ridiculous and stupid we were.
BIL #3 said "Well! We showed THOSE old people!" I said "Yeah, next stop: Hearthstone!" (a local nursing home)

We got back to Sister #2's and hung out for a while. Sister #3 and BIL #3 decided to leave around 11pm.
After they left, Nephew #2 got the bright idea of wrapping THEIR house since they left early.
It sounded good to me.
This time BIL #2 wasn't into it so Sister #2, Nephew #2 and I went. I was thinking we'd go in MY car but Nephew #2 wanted to go in his (Rick's) truck.
Why we agreed to this, I'll never know. Rick put something on the exhaust of this truck a long time ago to make it loud.
Nephew #2 is also a TERRIBLE driver and really bad at taking directions.
I told him to drive past Sister #3 and BIL #3's house and park across the street but instead, he turned into the alley behind their house. He thought we would park there but I said it looked too suspicious and people would call the police.
I told him to back out of the alley, park right next to it and we'd run across their yard.
Instead, he eases all the way up and parks at the end of their driveway.
Meanwhile, this truck sounds like a helicopter coming in for a landing and I'm scared but not surprised when Sister #3 and BIL #3 come running out of their house.
We all screamed "There they are!" And we were cracking up.
I reached down, fumbling for the door handle thinking we'd get out and have a laugh but apparently Nephew #2 thought this was a bank robbery get-away because he FLOORED it and we took off. I guess he thought if he drove away fast enough Sister #3 and BIL #3 wouldn't know it was us.
Sister #2 and I were laughing so hard we couldn't tell him to stop.
He got to the stop sign and he was laughing so hard he couldn't drive.
Sister #2 and I were afraid a cop would stop us so we kept yelling at him to drive.
We got back to Sister #2's house and collapsed in the living room laughing so hard.
Then Sister #3 started calling.
She was laughing but yelling at us saying "I don't want toilet paper in my yard!!!"
The funniest part of the whole thing was that I went home right after that and Sister #2 and BIL #2 went to bed but Sister #3 and BIL #3 kept expecting us to come back so they were standing watch nearly the whole night. Every sound they heard, they thought was us.
They kept running to the doors and windows!
It was immature but oh so fun.

Happy New Year!

De

Part 2: The confession

We all swore ourselves to secrecy but it wasn't until I saw my mother peering out through the glass/screen door that I realized we might actually SCARE her. After all, she does live alone and she's 67 years old!
I knew that at some point we'd have to tell her the truth.

We were all meeting the next day for New Year's Day dinner at Sister #3's home. I assumed, correctly, that the confession would take place there.
However, my mother called me before the dinner and said, "You won't believe what happened last night! Someone wrapped my house!! Why would someone do that to an old woman?"

Oh God. What should I do?
I tried to laugh it off. "Maybe you've got an admirer! Maybe one of your church friends was mad because you didn't invite her to the party!"

I called Sister #2. "We're in SO much shit! Mom is wondering who in the world would do such a thing to an old woman! What is wrong with us?"
If I had been in front of her, she would have slapped me. "Snap out of it! You keep your mouth shut until we get to Sister #3's!"

When everyone but Sister #1 and her husband (the only other two people not in the know) were lounging around Sister #3's house, Mom brought up the story of her house being wrapped the night before.
BIL #2 and Sister #3 acted shocked! "Why would someone do that?!" they both asked incredulously.
Mom said, "I dug out Dad's old pistol and found his bullets today. I'm going to shoot the next person I see in my yard!"
Silence filled the room as each guilty person eyed the other.
Sister #2 grabbed my arm and whispered, "Oh my God! She wants to shoot us!"
When Sister #1 arrived, we knew it was time to let the cat out of the bag.
We cornered her in the kitchen and said "Hey did you know someone wrapped Mom's house last night?"
"Yeah, Mom called me this morning."

Sister #2 said in a shaky voice, "It was us!"
"What?!?"
"It was us! We had this crazy idea last night and we piled into the car and wrapped Mom's house!"

She blinked at us a few times.
"MOM!!! You want to know who wrapped your house??" She yelled as she was shoving us into the living room.

Suddenly it was every man for himself. We pointed at a different person and yelled, "It was HER idea!"

Mom was stunned and Sister #1 and BIL#1 were dying laughing.

Mom couldn't believe her adult children were prowling the streets at night, wrapping old peoples' houses.

"Now, how am I going to tell my friends that it was my own CHILDREN who threw toilet paper all over my yard?"

Just tell them we're shitty kids!

Posted by De at January 17, 2006 12:15 PM | TrackBack