It's Not Last Minute Yet!

I admit it. I'm not done.
I'm not even CLOSE to being done. I predict that by Thursday, December 23, I'll be finishing up.
I'm not ashamed.
Frankly, people who get all their Christmas shopping done early, sicken me.
I hate them. I want to gouge their eyes out and rip their hair out from the roots. I want to smash their holly jolly faces in.
It's unAmerican to finish shopping so soon, really.
What would Christmas be without all the cursing, shoving, hostility and hatred you find at the malls?
What would it be like without tires screeching and horns honking in the over-crowded parking lots?
I will tell you what it would be like. It would be HELL!
Who wants a quiet Christmas with the yule log and presents hung by the chimney with care and shit like that?
Who wants to string popcorn while singing carols with the children and sip hot cocoa?
That's not Christmas.
Parents fighting to the death over a doll that wets itself. Whiplash in the parking lots. Screaming kids, pissing on an alcoholic Santa's lap. Tired husbands, submitting to their wives holiday abuse. Fat fathers falling off the ladder, trying to put the last string of lights on their Grizwald home. Coming home on Christmas Eve battered, bruised, sweaty and disheveled with a fist full of shitty last-minute gifts.
That, my friends, is the TRUE meaning of Christmas!