It's official: I'm a retard

It's official: I'm a retard

I just realized tonight that I am one of those stupid asses that believe advertisers. I've been watching those Crest White Strips commercials and wanting them for months, so I asked for them for my birthday and got them!
Tonight I decide to try them out and I've been thinking about the commercials of the attractive woman shopping on what looks like Rodeo Drive and she sees her reflection in the window so she whips out the strips and smoothly puts them on her teeth.
I'm here to tell ya it doesn't work like that. It doesn't really stick to your teeth as well as you think, you have to really work on it. Then because you have these gel-slicked plastic things on your teeth, your mouth fills up with saliva. It's like you're going to choke on your own spit! I'm afraid to swallow, so I'm walking around with my head tilted up so I don't drool all over myself.
After 30 mins I can take this thing off my teeth and the directions say to wipe or rinse the gel off your teeth. I chose to rinse and spit. When I spit I am reminded of a Bill Cosby comedy piece where he is at the denist's office and is given a novacaine shot and he has no control over his lips. He spits but there is this long string of slob going from his lip to the cup. The gel is so thick I have this same string and I don't want to touch it so for a few seconds I watch as the bathroom lights reflect off of the wet string making pretty rainbows. Finally I get myself all cleaned up and think how dumb I was to think I was going to be like one of those chicks in the ad!

As I'm typing this, I become aware of another warning I should give any future Crest White Strip users....
Try your best not to sneeze while wearing one of these things. I covered my mouth as I sneezed and the top strip shot out into my palm, rendering it useless after only 10 mins.
I wonder how far it would have gone had my hand not been there? I might have invented a new sport. Sneezing for distance!

I don't know if these are going to really whiten my teeth but it'll take some practice to get the fucking things to even stay on my teeth!

Someone took my advice a little too far...

In a previous blog entry I said what a good idea it was to teach your toddler to steal for you but these people are just nuts.

The hunt is on for the parents of a seven-year-old girl left behind after a shoplifting attempt at a Sugar Land Randall's.

Look people, don't leave your kids to take the fall! Sheesh! Have some class.

Posted by De at June 14, 2003 11:27 PM