Nothing to weep but tears,Nothing

Nothing to weep but tears,Nothing to bury but dead.

My great aunt Dorene died June 11. Her funeral was today. She was the last living sibling of my late grandfather (my mother's father).
I hadn't seen her since I was about 14 but it's a sad thought to know that so many will miss her and all those Jones kids are gone.

I guess if you're a funeral type of person you'd think it was a wonderful tribute to a wonderful person. I, however, thought it was horrible.
I hate funerals, not just because they are sad but because they are insincere and disgusting false displays of emotion.

I hate everything about traditional funerals. I don't understand the need to embalm a body that'll never be used again and then put it in a casket nicer than most people's home, then seal it in a vault and put it into the ground.
I do believe in everyone's right to do as they wish when they die but it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. These days a nice funeral costs close to $10,000 and I think it's ridiculous.
The funeral today was officiated by a pastor who never knew Aunt Dorene and it was apparent. He spoke of her in general terms and mostly just quoted the Bible. Then, God help me, he SANG. I don't know why people think we need to hear them sing at funerals. Especially when they suck.
Anyway, this funeral wasn't beautiful or moving and I didn't feel like I had come there to say goodbye. I can do that sitting right here because wherever she might be now, she ISN'T in that casket.
I was about to jump out of my skin during the whole thing and finally when it ended I whispered to my mom,
"If you do this to me when I die, I will come back and haunt you. I don't mean a good haunt either. I'll flatten your tires and sabotage your internet connection!"

Of course, Mom says not to even bother her with that because she'll go long before me but ya never know!

When I die, I want to be cremated. I heard some time back about a company that would take your loved ones ashes and make a diamond out of it. I was picturing someone with diamond earrings, showing them off saying "Hey, meet my mother."
I googled it and can't find anything about cremated diamonds but I KNOW I heard it.

Anyhoo...I want to be cremated but haven't decided where I want my ashes scattered. I want there to be a party, not a funeral service and I want people to tell funny stories and laugh. Oh and I want lots of food there too. Food and Asti, LOTS of Asti. Then I pictured my ashes being stored in an Isabella Fiore , Icon, or Judith Leiber handbag.

I don't want people crying and wailing over me. I don't need my body to be preserved and I definitely don't want people looking at it all made up looking like plastic.

I want people to have fun at my "funeral". I'd like a eulogy, however. I want someone to lie and make up a bunch of shit I've accomplished in my life. I want everyone to "ooh" and "ahh" and raise their glasses of Asti in my memory.

Posted by De at June 18, 2003 01:43 AM